


Unconditional

by IvanW



Series: Spock Loves Kirk [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Child Abuse, Established Relationship, Friendship, Gay Sex, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery, Romance, Sexual Content, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-01-01 21:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 28,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Spock and Kirk settle into their new romantic relationship, Kirk is haunted by his past, long past and more recent past. He is not certain he is relationship material. Spock hopes Kirk will trust him and share with him all of his pain and love, and learn that Spock's love is unconditional.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the continuing developing relationship of Spock and Kirk from Unrequited.

Jim Kirk stood outside of medbay for several minutes trying to talk himself into going inside. It was only Bones, after all. Bones wouldn’t judge him. Not really anyway. Not even as much as he judged himself.

Sooner or later some crew member would come by and wonder why he was out here staring at closed doors. It wouldn’t do to wonder about the captain’s mental health.

He stepped closer and the automatic doors opened.

A nurse stood with Dr. M’Benga next to a biobed and a crewmember lying flat on his back.  They barely noticed him as he made his way to the office where he was sure to find Bones.

Bones was scowling at his terminal and didn’t immediately acknowledge him, so Jim went to the replicator nearby for some tea.

“You want anything, Bones?”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, cup of coffee.”

He set Bones coffee in front of him and then sat across from him sipping his tea. He waited for Bones to look at him.

“Well?”

Jim licked his lips. “It’s…oh forget it.”

Bones turned his gaze from the terminal and looked Jim fully in the face. “What’s up? Problems with your new boyfriend?”

“Spock?”

Bones snorted. “You got any other new boyfriend besides the hobgoblin?”

“No.” Jim sighed. “And no, it’s not Spock. That’s…that’s going great.”

Bones gave him a look.

“Really. Great.”

“Hmm.” Bones shrugged. “A guy like you with a guy like him. I don’t know.”

He frowned now. “What the hell is wrong with Spock?”

“Nothing. If you like cold-blooded, heartless logical types. I can’t imagine what sex is like with someone like him.” Bones held up a hand. “And I don’t wanna know.”

“Well for your information, Bones, Spock is great in bed. Fabulous. Best sex ever.”

“I said I didn’t wanna know.”

“Stop being a dick. Spock is not the issue. I love him, he loves me.”

“Okay, okay. Come on, Jim. What _is_ going on?”

Jim closed his eyes and shook his head. “Nightmares. Terrible fucking nightmares. God, Bones, they’re so real.” He opened his eyes to see Bones frowning.

“Describe them.”

“I knew you were going to ask me that.”

“How am I supposed to discuss them with you if you don’t tell me about them? Come on, Jim, you know you can tell me anything.”

“They’re mostly related to what happened when I was with the Klingons.” He forced the shudder away. “The-the Centaurian Slug. The Klingons torturing me. It’s endless. Such pain, Bones. I’ve never felt anything like it. And hell, I’ve felt a shitload of pain before. They did stuff to my mind…I don’t even wanna think about it.”

“Your mind?”

Jim nodded. “They had this machine they strapped to my head, to my brainwaves or something. And then they sent these electric jolts through it and my whole fucking head felt like it was burning.”

“Jesus.”

“I keep dreaming about it. I don’t wanna sleep. I don’t wanna sleep ever, Bones.”

“What does Spock say when you wake up from one of those?”

Jim shifted uncomfortably. “He doesn’t know about them.”

Bones frowned. “How come?”

“I don’t—we don’t sleep together.” Jim licked his lips and looked away.

“But you just said—”

“We have sex, Bones. But then afterwards it’s back to our own quarters.”

“Is that the hobgoblin’s idea?”

“No, it’s mine. Though he goes along with it well enough. I can’t let him know how screwed up I am.”

“Why not?”

Jim sighed. “Isn’t it obvious, Bones? He won’t wanna be with me. Who would? If he knows what’s really going on in my head, he’ll do whatever he can to end things between us. It would only be logical.”

“I don’t think you know Spock as well as you think. Far be it from me to defend him, but he cares about you, Jim. A lot.”

“I don’t know. I can’t take that chance. There are already so many things against it working with Spock. I don’t want to add another.”

“Such as?”

“I’m an illogical human, he’s a logical Vulcan.”

“He’s half-human.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “We both know he suppresses that and favors the Vulcan side. We’re both guys. And the biggest one, I don’t know if I can really be in a relationship. Not a lasting one anyway. Look at what happened with Carol.”

“Things didn’t work out with Carol because you were in love with Spock,” Bones pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, but Carol was great. There was nothing wrong with her. I should have been able to make it work with her.”

“While loving someone else?”

Jim shrugged. “It’s not like it’s never been done. It’s not like I didn’t love Spock before I got together with her. I’ve been in love with him since he offered himself as my first officer after the Narada. I’ve repressed that love for a long time, Bones. Carol was sweet and pretty and pretty terrific and all I could think about was when I could get away from her. I’m fucked.”

Bones sighed. “Well, I’m not exactly the poster boy for lasting relationships, Jim. I’m divorced, remember?”

“If I fuck up with Spock, Bones, I don’t know what I’ll do. If I lose him even as a friend…I can’t even think about it.”

“I still say you can tell him about your nightmares and let him stay with you. It might even help with them. You never know.”

“You can’t give me something to make me stop dreaming?”

“I wish there was something like that, Jim. But there isn’t. I can give you some stuff to help you sleep but it won’t necessarily stop the dreams.”

“Okay. Well, believe it or not, I feel a bit better just having told you about them.”

“You want more tea?” Bones asked, looking at Jim’s now empty cup.

“Yeah, sure.”

Bones got up and went to the replicator. “How about Tarsus? You still dreaming about then?”

He leaned back in the chair and put his booted feet on the desk. “Oh yeah. And before you ask, I dream about Vulcan being destroyed, I dream about Delta Vega monsters eating me, and I dream about Khan and dying. Now the Klingon torture chambers can be added to my repertoire.”

Bones handed him his tea. “Anything else?”

Jim looked down at the cup in his hand. “You mean do I dream about my stepfather? The answer is yes.”

“I’d like to kill that bastard,” Bones muttered.

“Yeah. Get in line for that.”

“Jim, I saw no obvious signs of sexual assault from the Klingons, but if there is anything—”

Jim held up a hand. “Bones, please. Don’t, okay? Just don’t.”

“If you’re hiding stuff even from me—”

“I’m not,” Jim insisted. “I’m fine, Bones. I’m fine.”

****

“Captain?”

He blinked and then shook his head. He turned his chair to look at Spock standing next to him. From Spock’s expression it appeared he’d been trying to get his attention for a while.

“Um, yeah, Mr. Spock?”

“Are you unwell?”

Jim smiled. “Of course not. Just preoccupied. What can I do for you?”

“Since your shift is over, I thought perhaps you would like to join me and Nyota for dinner in the mess room.”

Dinner with his new boyfriend and his ex? Just what he wanted to do. But he kept the smile plastered on his face. “Sure.”

Uhura was already waiting for them at a table, so they went to the replicators and Spock chose some unappetizing looking vegetable thing and Jim chose a ham sandwich. Sort of ham. Ham-like. Jim shook his head and followed Spock to the table.

“Hi, Captain.”

“Lieutenant.” He sat across from her and waited for Spock to decide whether he would sit next to Jim or Uhura.

Spock sat next to him. Okay, he was happy about that. Not that it would have meant anything either way, Jim told himself. But it totally would.

“You look tired, Captain. I suppose it might take a while, you know, before you get all your energy back,” she said. Spock looked at her sharply, and then, she bit her lip, like she thought she said too much.

Jim simply nodded. He couldn’t blame Uhura. He’d only been back on full duty for a week. And he was tired.

Sulu walked over to their table, a tray of food in hand. “Mind if I join you?”

“Go ahead,” Uhura said.

They started talking and Jim stopped listening. He didn’t really want to be there. He had nothing against Uhura and Sulu, but he was feeling edgy and anxious and he just wanted to be away from everyone. He hadn’t really been up to socializing but neither did he think he should say no when Spock asked him.

Jim liked to socialize normally. He was outgoing and ready for a party. Or had been. He wasn’t really sure when that had changed as much as it had. These days he was almost always alone and he kind of preferred that.

He lifted the cup of tea to his lips and was about to take a drink when he heard Sulu say, “Klingon.” He heard nothing else just that word and it was like his whole body froze up, went rigid, and the cup of tea slipped through his fingers and splashed all over him.

Jim stood as the hot tea burned him. It wasn’t a bad burn, just a sting, but his uniform pants were wet and his chest constricted, his breath caught in his throat.

“Captain, are you all right?” Sulu asked.

He stared at them. Uhura and Sulu had twin expressions of concern, the kind that made Jim think they thought he was crazy or something. He backed away from the table.

“Jim?” Spock stood up.

“Excuse me,” Jim mumbled and then turned and left the mess. He was aware Spock was following him, calling after him. He closed the turbolift doors in Spock’s face and then felt like a dick for doing so.

Leaning heavily against the side of the turbolift, he tried to get himself together. What kind of captain freaked out over the mention of the word Klingon? What the fuck was wrong with him? A full-fledged panic attack over a fucking word.

Jim closed his eyes and calmed his breaths. He hadn’t had one of these in years. Why the hell were they coming back now? The turbolift doors opened and he made his way to his quarters. He’d just removed his wet pants when the door chimed.

“Come in, Spock.”

And of course it was Spock. He said not a word, but instead came to Jim, wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Jim sighed and hugged him back.

“I’m sorry.”

“It is I who owe the apology,” Spock said softly. “I should have realized you would rather have stayed in.”

“No, you have every right to want to spend time with our friends. It’s just…just, I guess I wasn’t feeling well.”

“You have been through an extreme ordeal, Ashaya. It is quite likely you are suffering from post-traumatic distress disorder.”

“Yeah. I’m just really glad you are here.”

“As am I.” He held Jim back just a little so that he could meet his gaze. “Are you burned?”

“Not really. It wasn’t really that hot. I’m embarrassed more than anything. Losing it like that. I’m the captain. I can’t be like that.”

“Jim, no one expects you to be perfect except perhaps you.” Spock kissed him. “I would like to stay with you tonight.”

“I’m a really bad sleeper,” Jim protested again. “I don’t want to bother you.”

“You will not. And I do not want you to be alone.” He ran his thumb over Jim’s bottom lip. “I ask that you allow me this. It would comfort me.”

“All right. If you want.”

“What is it you fear?” Spock asked gently.

Jim swallowed. “You…being disgusted with me.”

“That is extremely illogical. I will never be disgusted with you. I love you.”

“You say that now, but you don’t know.”

“I do know. You may think I do not know you, Ashayam, but I do.” Spock cupped his jaw and kissed him again. Arousal spiked through Jim as Spock’s probing tongue entered his mouth.

“Spock, yes, fuck yes,” Jim groaned.

And then Spock removed the remainder of his clothes as well as his own and they fell on the bed together. When Spock entered him after preparing him with lube, Jim forgot everything else while Spock loved him.


	2. Chapter 2

When Jim had drifted off to sleep, Spock rose from the bed, got dressed and sat meditating on the floor of Jim’s quarters. It was not the ideal setup for his meditation but he did not wish to take the time to go to his own quarters for his incense and mediation robes.

He’d been meditating for two hours when he heard a soft whimper. Spock rose from the floor and made his way to Jim on the bed. His brows were furrowed together and he made another distressed noise. Spock sat on the edge and laid his hand on Jim’s back, rubbing gently.

Jim sighed in his sleep and then very slowly opened his eyes. For a second his face scrunched up in panic but Spock smoothed his hand over Jim’s forehead.

“Spock?”

“Yes.”

He blew out his breath and flipped over onto his back. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I have not slept. I wished to meditate.” Spock stroked Jim’s hair. “You were dreaming?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like to tell me about it?”

Jim shook his head. “Not really.”

Spock hid his disappointment as best he could. He did not like Jim hiding things from him, but their romantic relationship was new to them both and he hoped in time Jim would be willing to confide in him. Right now Jim’s expression was closed off.

“You should attempt to sleep, Jim.”

“I’d rather you fucked me. Sounds way better.” Jim smiled. It was sexy and tempting and Spock wasn’t certain how he was expected to resist him.

Jim lowered the blankets that had been covering his naked chest, exposing all his golden skin to Spock. And Spock had a moment where he thought it was entirely unfair to be as beautiful as Jim was and know it. Spock had seen men and women of various species showing their obvious interest in his captain. Few of them even attempted to hide it. And he also knew Jim loved their attention as much as Spock hated it.

And Spock could not resist such a display himself, no matter how strong his control was. And he found he did not wish to control his lust at that moment. He would take what Jim offered him even if he wanted so much more.

He moved his hands across Jim’s bare chest, his thumbs grazing the nipples. His captain’s breath stuttered and Spock lowered his lips to his, delving into the hot moist mouth with his tongue.

Jim moaned and put his arms around Spock, drawing him closer. Spock was gratified Jim was still naked from their earlier illicit activities which meant only he had to disrobe.

Spock rose just enough to take his clothes off and then he returned to Jim. Jim had watched him the entire time, his blue eyes intense and filled with unmistakable desire.

Jim licked his lips. “Spock,” he whispered.

He found himself almost shaking at the way Jim said his name. With so much feeling behind the single word. Spock was used to suppressing emotion, but he found when he was with Jim he treasured how human his captain really was. So brave, so beautiful. He made Spock’s head spin like no one else could.

And then they were kissing, hungrily, deeply, Spock doing his best to devour Jim as he always wanted, their breaths mingling as one. He reached for the lube, but Jim shook his head and pushed Spock until Spock lay on his back and then Jim took the lube from him.

While Spock watched, Jim spread lube onto his fingers and stuck them in his ass, preparing himself for Spock. He smiled what Spock thought of as his sexy smile and then he straddled Spock and slowly lowered himself onto Spock’s hard cock.

Spock bit back a moan as Jim completely impaled himself on Spock. He gripped Jim’s hipbones and they both began to move. Jim jerked himself frantically while Spock pounded up into him. He had a moment where he wished he could meld them, but he knew it was too soon. And Jim’s experience with his counterpart’s meld had been unpleasant.

Jim let out a gasp and then cum splurted over his fingers and onto Spock’s stomach. Just a few more thrusts and Spock was coming inside Jim.

He allowed Jim to collapse on him and Spock held him very close until finally his captain’s breathing evened out and he slept again.

****

“Where’s Kirk?” Nyota asked him as she followed him to the replicator in the mess room.

Spock chose a small salad without dressing and tea. “Engineering with Mr. Scott.”

She moved to the replicator and chose a pasta dish. “He didn’t want to join you for a meal?”

“He is occupied with his duties as captain.”

“Hmm.” They brought their trays to a table. “How’s that going anyway?”

“Clarify.”

“You and Kirk.”

Spock took a sip of tea. “It is satisfactory.

Nyota rolled her eyes. “Satisfactory? You pined away for him for months and you finally have him and all you can say is it is satisfactory.”

“Is that not the correct term for a satisfying romantic relationship?”

“I give up.” She sighed. She ate several bites of pasta. “How is he after the—the incident?”

Ever since their captain had sort of lost it when Sulu had mentioned the Klingons, the bridge crew had agreed to avoid mentioning Jim’s abduction. Even when he was not around. Nyota had lowered her voice to a near whisper.

“It troubles him,” Spock admitted. “He does not sleep well and has nightmares. I am aware that Dr. McCoy has attempted to learn more of what happened during his captivity but Jim has not been willing to share his experiences.”

“Have you thought of doing a meld with him?”

“Negative. Not for that purpose anyway. My counterpart initiated a meld with him on Delta Vega and the experience was extremely unpleasant.” Spock shook his head. “I will not put him through that when he is already distressed.”

Nyota cleared her throat. “Guess who just came in?”

Spock turned to see Jim walk into the mess. He glanced their way for all of about three point four seconds and then he went to the replicator. Spock watched as he obtained tea then as he walked away from the replicator there was a brief moment where Spock thought Jim wanted to choose to sit somewhere else, but finally he approached their table.

Jim smiled. “Hi. Got room for me?”

Nyota gestured to the seat next to Spock. “Of course, Captain. You aren’t eating?”

“I had something earlier.” Jim took the seat next to Spock. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“Of course not. We were just talking about the next shore leave.”

Jim raised both brows. “Shore leave? Have I approved that?”

She smiled. “No, but I’m hopeful. I’m getting a list together of suitable planets that I’ll submit for your review.”

“Hmm.” Jim glanced at Spock. “What about you, Spock? You want shore leave?”

“I would be amenable to it if we went together.”

Nyota grinned. “See? Even your boyfriend’s on board, Captain.” She rose. “I’m finished with my dinner and remembered I’m supposed to meet Leonard, Sulu and Chekov for a card game.”

Jim didn’t say anything as he watched Nyota walk away but then he turned to Spock. “I did interrupt something, didn’t I?”

“No. I assure you, you are always welcome.” Spock reached for Jim’s two fingers so that he could meet them with his own. “How did your meeting with Mr. Scott go?”

“Fine. No problems.”

“You are tired.”

“Just a little. Have to go back to the bridge soon, though. Wanted to see you.”

“I am gratified you did, Ashaya.” Spock studied his face. “Later, I will help you sleep.”

Jim waggled his brows. “Oh, yeah? That sounds promising.”

Spock shook his head. “No, not that way. I wish for you to rest.”

“How are you going to help me then? Warm milk?”

“A head massage,” Spock said carefully. There was a way to press certain parts of the head that would relax him and give his restful sleep but he did not want to alarm Jim with the idea it was similar to a meld.

“Okay.” Jim’s smile was a little strained. “Sounds good.” He took a couple of more sips of his tea. “Off to the bridge.”

“I will accompany you.”    


	3. Chapter 3

Jim stepped off the transporter pad, jaw clenched tight, and hurried from the room. But Bones was like a dog at his heels.

“Jim, get back here. Jim, I wanna talk to you now!”

But he kept walking. Had to get away from what he was certain Bones would say.

Bones caught up with him and suddenly Jim felt himself being shoved past opening doors. A Conference room.

“What the fuck, Bones?” Jim demanded angrily.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare.” Bones was more furious than Jim had ever seen him.

Jim backed up a step into the table. He folded his arms across his chest.

“Are you suicidal?” Bones shouted.

Jim flinched.

“Goddamn it, Jim! Answer me. If you’re suicidal I have to relieve you of command.”

“No!” He pushed Bones away. “Fuck off, Bones. Leave me alone.”

“You’re gonna talk to me. You talk to me or I get Spock in here,” his best friend threatened.

“Leave Spock out of this.”

“Afraid of what he’ll say, Jim?” Bones grimaced. “Are you suicidal?”

“I said no.”

“Bullshit. I saw you down there. You deliberately put yourself in harm’s way down there. If it wasn’t for Giotto you wouldn’t be here for me to fucking yell at you.”

“I told you, I’m not.”

“I swear to God, Jim, I’m not playing around here. What the hell was that down there then?” Bones’ eyes were a little wet.

Jim felt his anger fade to be replaced by a weird sort of hopelessness. “I don’t know. I guess…just for a moment, I wanted the pain to go away. Just to go away.”

Bones suddenly hugged him. “I know you do.”

Jim hugged him back fiercely. “I don’t wanna die, Bones. Not really. I don’t know why I did that. It’s just sometimes I hurt so much.”

“You gotta tell me about it, kid. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

He closed his eyes. “Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about what they did.”

“The Klingons?”

“Yeah.” Jim swallowed.

Bones gently released him but still held his arms. “What did they do? You’ve told me some, but not all of it.”

Jim shook his head. “I-I can’t. Not now. Please.”

His friend sighed. “I’m going on every mission you insist on going on for the foreseeable future. If I see even a hint of what I saw out there today I’m relieving you, Jim. I’ll have no choice both as your doctor and as your friend.”

He made himself nod.

“I gotta get to the medbay. You think of anything…anything…you want to talk about, you come to me. Okay?”

“Okay, Bones. And I’m sorry.”

He nodded and walked out of the conference room.

Jim sat down and put his head between his knees. His hands were shaking and he was sweating. Definitely coming down from some sort of adrenaline rush or something.

It hadn’t been that close on the planet. Bones exaggerated. He never really doubted that Giotto would take care of the native attacking him.

“Spock to Captain Kirk.”

Jim smiled. He should have known Spock would be looking for him soon. He stood and went to the comm on the wall. “Kirk here.”

"You are in a conference room, Captain?”

“Yeah a little bit of mission debriefing with Bones. I’m headed out now. See you on the bridge. Kirk out.”

When he exited the turbolift onto the bridge, Jim immediately felt Spock’s gaze on him so he went directly to his station and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Everything okay?” Jim asked.

“Yes, Captain. And the mission? It went well?”

“Sure. I’ll send you my report in a bit.” He squeezed Spock’s shoulder and then went to his chair. “Status report, Mr. Sulu.”

“Leaving orbit, Captain. Destination?”

“Set a course for Starbase 12, Mr. Chekov.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

“Warp 2, Lieutenant.”

“Acknowledged,” Sulu said.

Jim picked up his PADD and started in on his Captain’s log and mission report. When his shift was over Spock followed him into the turbolift.

“Captain, I received your report.”

“Good.”

“I also received reports from Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Giotto.”

Jim smiled brightly. “Glad to know everyone is so efficient.”

They stepped off the turbolift and headed down the corridor to their quarters. He was not surprised when Spock followed him into his quarters.

“Their reports differed from yours.”

“Did they? How strange.” Jim removed his command tunic and went to the replicator. “Tea, Spock?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Jim got two cups of Vulcan tea from the replicator and handed one to Spock. “What’s on your mind?”

“Both Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Giotto mentioned an incident with a Native attacking you. Your report did not.”

“Right. It seemed insignificant.”

“Yet it was mentioned by the other two.”

“Bones is a worry wart and Giotto is anal.” Jim shrugged and took a sip of tea. “I didn’t even need to go to medbay. It was nothing, Spock. I’m fine.”

“If you are certain.”

He smiled, put down his tea and went to Spock, grabbing his hand. “I’m totally fine. Maybe a little bruised but nothing at all to worry about, baby.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed but he accepted Jim’s endearment and closed his fingers around Jim’s. “Nevertheless, in the interest of accuracy I think it should be included in your report. With your permission, I will modify it to include mention of it. I will use the other reports to corroborate the details.”

At least Jim could be glad that Bones apparently didn’t mention his theory about Jim’s behavior. For that he owed Bones a bottle of bourbon or something because he was well aware that Spock would be all over him over that.

“Okay, Spock. Go ahead.” Jim yawned. “I desperately need a shower. So, I got Uhura’s list of planets for the proposed shore leave.”

“I did as well.”

“Any preference? Some planet you are totally dying to see?”

“Dying to see? Why would I lose my life over seeing a planet?”

Jim laughed. “I love you.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “I love you as well. But—”

“You know, it’s an expression or whatever. No planet preference?”

“I bow to your good judgment.”

“Don’t complain then if you hate it. Because you are so going down planet-side with me.”

“Vulcans do not complain.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Of course not. I figure after Starbase 12, we’ll have our shore leave. Starfleet should approve it.” He yawned again. “Wanna shower with me?”

“That will lead to sexual congress.”

“Well, yeah, sort of the idea.”

“I do have some reports to do of my own,” Spock said.

“Can’t they wait just a little bit?”

Spock inclined his head. “Affirmative.”

Jim grinned. “Great. I love your sexy talk. Let’s go.” He pulled off his undershirt and was undoing his pants as he made his way to the bathroom with Spock following.   

   


	4. Chapter 4

Spock did not anticipate shore leave the way human crew members did. He did not need excessive amounts of leisure time in order to perform optimally. Time set aside for meditation usually proved sufficient.

Nevertheless this particular shore leave he did not find as tedious and unnecessary as it was obvious to Spock that Jim needed it. Therefore when Nyota had brought it up more than once, Spock agreed that it could be a functional idea.

Nyota had provided their captain with a preferred choice of three planets. She’d gone into great detail about bridge crew having meetings about it and then sending out choices for other crew members to vote on. As a result of such polling, they’d presented the three planets most chosen by the crew.

Jim had studied his PADD for twenty three point two seconds before he lifted his gaze, his blue eyes twinkling as he said, “What if I overrule all three?”

Spock, who had been standing next to Jim who sat in the captain’s chair, had been somewhat amused by this, though he had taken pains not to show either the captain or Nyota this.

She had sputtered, there was no other word for it, before wringing her hands and saying, “But, Captain.”

“Lieutenant?” He answered her in his stem captain’s voice.

Nyota cleared her throat. “Of course, Captain. Whatever you choose I am sure will be acceptable.”

“I’m sure.” He smiled and pressed a button on the PADD. “I chose number two. Thank you for all your hard work, Uhura. I’m sure the crew will be as appreciative as I am.”

Now she was smiling as she took the PADD from him. “Thank you, sir.”

“You selected Marista IV, Captain?”

“Affirmative, Mr. Spock.”

“What parameters did you use in making your selection?”

“Marista IV is closer in current distance to the Enterprise and has both appealing beaches and spectacular mountains. The crew will be able to choose whichever appeals to them. There are also several excellent restaurants, bars, and clubs.”

“A logical choice then.”

“Yes. I’ll notify Starfleet.” He picked up his personal PADD. “Mr. Chekov, lay in a course for Marista IV.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

****

It was the appointed time for Spock and his captain to take their shore leave on Marista IV. Spock was not sure what to expect from Jim. He had attempted to ascertain what Jim planned for them but he’d been quite mysterious about it.

So, as they entered the transporter room with their personal bags for the trip, Jim took Spock to the side to speak to him.

“Look. Um. I.” Jim looked sort of flushed. “I decided to get us a mountain cabin. And it’s just the two of us. And I guess, well, there’s some snow, but it’s heated and there’s a synthetic fireplace that I hear puts off real heat.” He paused, his gaze searching Spock's. “I thought, you know, it might be nice to just be together with no one else bothering us.”

“I-I see.” Spock had expected Jim to want to socialize with his friends, like the doctor and the others, so Spock had supposed he would choose the beaches which were much closer to the bars and clubs.

Jim licked his lips. “Did I choose wrong?”

Spock shook his head. “You did not. I am gratified you desire to spend your shore leave privately with me. I was merely surprised. It was unexpected, but welcome.”

Jim smiled and his blue eyes lit up. “Good. Good. That’s good.”

“I am not sure I have the proper attire packed for cold climates though.”

“No worries, Spock. I made sure you do. And anyway, it’s my plan to spend most of time indoors anyway. I won’t make you do a ton of traipsing around in the snow. Come on, let’s store our leave.”

The two of them beamed down to the surface of Marista IV and then from there took a transport to the mountain village of Snowden. Spock found it an appropriate name considering it was snowing as they stepped off the transport. It also chilled him to the bone. An involuntary shiver went through him.

“Ah sorry, baby, I know it’s cold. We’ll get to the cabin soon and you’ll be warm again.”

“Captain, we are in public,” Spock said stiffly as he noticed a Ferengi couple standing nearby. They were staring openly at Spock and his captain.

Jim rolled his eyes. “This way, _Commander_.”

Spock dutifully followed him but the only thing he could see in the direction they walked was a rather decrepit looking wooden cart being pulled by strange looking four-legged creature that wasn’t quite an Earth horse. There did not appear to be a driver of the cart.

“Captain?”

“This is our transportation to the cabin.”

“It is our—”

Jim laughed. “It’ll be fine. Get in, Spock.”

Spock got in. “Where is our driver?”

“Driver’s me, Spock, baby.”

“Captain, have you ever driven a vehicle of this sort?”

“Nope.” Jim grinned. “How hard can it be? It’s like one horse power. Um, or whatever this guy is.” He snapped the reins and the animal began to move forward.

“Jim, I do not think—”

“Oh, come on, it’ll be okay. I wouldn’t get you killed on our shore leave. Geez, give me some credit.”

Spock gripped the side of the cart as it sped down the bumpy road and then up a hill. “Do you know where we are going?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m pretty sure.”

Spock clenched his jaw. This was going to be an agreeable time spent with Jim, he reminded himself. He would rather spend time with Jim than anyone.

The cart rocked to the side and Spock gripped the sides harder. “I hope it is not much farther.”

“Cold?”

“And concerned with getting stranded in the snow.”

Jim laughed again, it was warm and rich and sounded more real than any laugh he had heard out of Jim in weeks. Spock found it quite agreeable.

He turned to another little lane and Spock saw a house appear not too far ahead of them.

“See, Spock! Home sweet home. At least for the next few days.” Jim stopped the cart in front of the little cabin and got out. “Come on, let’s get inside before we freeze our balls off.”

“Ashaya, I cherish thee, but your cart driving leaves much to be desired.”

“Sweet talker.” Jim grinned and walked up to the door. He entered a code and the door opened. “It pays to be a popular captain in Starfleet, by the way. Lots of perks.”

Spock immediately appreciated the warmth of the inside of the cabin which was also brightly lit.

“Looks great, huh? Feels good too, right?”

“It is very agreeable,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim went to the fireplace in the living area and flipped a switch. “It’s synthetic fire but hell, it looks pretty and puts out heat. I figure between that, the heating system and me you’ll be kept warm, Spock.”

Spock went to the kitchen and noticed it was stocked with Vulcan tea and the ingredients for several Vulcan dishes including Plomeek soup. He turned to Jim. “You have thought of everything.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah. I thought it might be nice you know.” He shrugged. “For you.”

Spock blinked and then went to Jim, staring into his blue eyes. He wasn’t sure what to say. Wasn’t sure exactly what he was feeling.

“Spock? You okay?”

He nodded. “I have never had anyone put so much thought into my needs.” He paused, feeling a strange lump in his throat. “I am…gratified.”

Jim put his arms around Spock’s neck. “That’s high praise coming from you.”

“Jim, you will not be bored?”

“Bored?”

“With only me for company. I had expected you would wish to spend time with your friends. Like Dr. McCoy.”

“First of all, _you_ are my friend. My greatest friend. And my lover.”

 _Friend. Brother. Lover_.

Jim continued, unaware of the turmoil of Spock’s thoughts. “I don’t want to spend my time with anyone but you. Think of it, Spock. No duties, no missions, no reports, no grumpy Bones, no nosey Nyota. Just you and me and lots of sex.” He grinned and waggled his brows.

“That would be most agreeable,” Spock said, covering Jim’s lips with his.

“Mmm.” Jim moved closer to Spock and Spock’s arms came around Jim pulling him against Spock. “You know what I want?” he whispered against Spock’s lips.

“What?” Spock nibbled Jim’s bottom lip.

“I want you to fuck me on the floor in front of the fireplace.”

“Will that not be uncomfortable for sexual congress?”

“Maybe, but it’s romantic.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “As you wish.”

He placed his hands under Jim’s buttocks and lifted him off the floor.

“H-Hey!” Jim laughed and then wrapped his legs around Spock as he carried him easily to the fluffy rug in front of the fireplace. Jim looked down at it. “Don’t worry no creatures died for our pleasure. Imitation.”

Spock growled and laid Jim down on the rug, pulling at his clothes. Jim helped by pulling his shirt over his head and Spock tore at the fastening of his lover’s pants.

“Don’t rip them, geez.” Jim batted his hands away. “Let me. You take off your own clothes.”

Spock grunted in frustration but set about discarding his own clothing. He picked up both sets intending to place them neatly within reach when Jim stopped him with a tug on his arm.

“The lube’s in the pocket of my pants,” Jim said with a grin.

He nodded, grabbed the small bottle, and then covered Jim’s naked body with his own, fusing their mouths together.

Jim’s hands roamed over Spock’s back and then slid down to squeeze Spock’s buttocks. He moaned against Spock’s lips. “Please.”

Spock couldn’t think of anything he would deny Jim and sexual intercourse was definitely not something he would ever think of denying. He squirted lube onto his fingers and lifted Jim’s legs enough to slide two fingers inside his entrance.

“Yes, God, yes. Spock!”

He moved his fingers in, past the tight ring of muscle, spreading and preparing his lover. Jim clung to him, gasping and whimpering into Spock’s mouth until Spock’s cock was so hard he was undone.

After removing his fingers and slicking himself up, Spock spread Jim’s legs and slowly pushed the head of his cock inside his lover. Jim’s muscles clenched around him, squeezing him and Spock could not hold back a moan as he thrust into Jim again and again. Joining their bodies as he wished he could join their minds.

He reached a hand between their bodies and fisted Jim’s erection, drawing a keening cry from him. Jim clutched at him frantically, his blue eyes blown wide, his breaths coming fast.

Spock struggled to keep his shields up as the ecstasy of being inside Jim threatened to overwhelm him. He could sense that Jim was meant to be his. Forever his.

“Mine,” he said, unable to hold back the possessive word.

“Spock!” Jim yelled, cum spurting out of his cock and coating Spock’s fingers.

As though that was all he needed to find his own release, Spock stiffened, feeling pleasure slam down his spine to tighten his balls and he emptied into Jim, shaking with the force of his orgasm.

For an undetermined amount of time they lay in front of the synthetic fireplace just holding each other.

Then Jim yawned. “So, what do you think, Spock?”

“Clarify.”

“Three days of nothing but sex. Think you can handle it?” Jim grinned against him.

Spock thought it might not be the time to mention mates, bonding and Pon Farr. Instead he said, “I can handle it, _Captain_. Can you?”

“Bring it on, _Commander_.”

****

“No, no, no. Get away! Get away!”

Spock woke abruptly to Jim’s panicked cries. His captain and lover thrashed violently on the bed, sweat beading on his forehead. “Lights fifty percent. Jim. Wake up. Jim.”

“No, no, please.”

Spock grabbed Jim, desperate to get him to come out of the terrible dream. “Wake up, Ashaya. Please.”

His heart ached at watching Jim suffering. Spock shook him and Jim’s eyes fluttered open, the blue eyes filled with pain and fear.

“Jim,” Spock said gently. “Let me help you.” He put his fingers to Jim’s meld points.

Jim didn’t say anything he just stared at Spock, eyes filling with unshed tears and then slowly he nodded.

Spock’s breath caught and he began to meld with his lover. What he saw in Jim’s mind nearly destroyed him.

Terrible torture, beatings, mind rape, and Jim being forced to his knees, his mouth yanked open, a Klingon shoving himself past Jim’s closed lips. Blows to his jaw over and over until his the horrible sound of breaking bone.

He felt such rage, such hate for what the Klingons did, but he had to suppress it, had to control it. He was not angry with Jim. He adored Jim. He pushed love, deep love into Jim’s mind. Safety, protection, holding him. Cradling him.

Jim let out a shaky breath and then wrapped his arms tightly around Spock.

Very slowly, Spock broke the meld. He kissed Jim’s temple. “Is it better?”

Jim sort of gasped and gulped at the same time but he nodded.

“I did not hurt you, Ashayam?”

“No.”

“You are certain? I would rather die a hundred deaths than hurt you.” He pulled Jim closer still.

“No, Spock. You…you did help me. Thank you.”

Spock gently touched his jaw and looked into Jim’s eyes. “I grieve with thee.”

“I didn’t want you to see that,” Jim whispered.

“I know. I do not want you to suffer. I want to help you. Hold you. I want to do whatever I can for you, Jim. Always.”

Jim smiled just a little and Spock’s heart clenched in his side. “At least now you know.”

“I am in awe of you,” Spock admitted. “That you are so brave, so fierce, so giving and loving, even now, after all you have been through, I am in awe.”

“I’m just me. Not special, Spock.”

“You are special, Jim. I have never known anyone that makes me feel as much as you.”

“I love you.”

“I cherish thee.”

Jim smiled, this time a real smile that lit up his face. “Thank you for being here with me.”

“There is nowhere else I would rather be.” Spock sat up and pulled Jim from the bed. “Come, I will make you some tea and make us breakfast.”

“I am kind of hungry,” Jim said, following Spock from the bedroom.  

 

 

  


	5. Chapter 5

“I fail to understand the point of this exercise, Captain.”

Jim laughed as he bent down and continued patting the snow to form a head for the snowman he was making. “Well, see, Spock, I’m not really sure there _is_ a point. Exactly. It’s supposed to be fun.”

Spock surveyed Jim’s handiwork from the sidelines, next to the back door of the cabin. He was bundled up in the coat Jim packed for him. He also wore gloves and a scarf.

“The purpose is for fun?”

“Yep,” Jim said cheerfully.

“Then it has failed even this purpose.”

He laughed again. “I’ll be done in a second and then we can go back inside. I gotta say I didn’t expect the snow to be just like Earth snow.”

“Why would it be different? Snow is formed by water vapor changing to ice high in the atmosphere at a temperature of—”

“Baby, I know what snow is. I just meant it always surprises me a little how other planets can be similar to Earth.”

“Are you finished?” Spock asked.

Jim grinned. “No, but I can see you’re freezing. Go ahead and go inside. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Spock hesitated and Jim could see he wanted to go inside but was also reluctant to leave Jim outside alone.

“There’s no one around, Spock. Go on.”

The Vulcan nodded and went back inside the cabin. Jim connected the head of his snowman to the rest of the body and then stood back to view it. He flipped open his communicator.

“Kirk to McCoy.”

“Jim? Aren’t you supposed to be having—oh crap I can’t even say it. Aren’t you spending time with Spock?”

“Geez, Bones, even I can’t have sex all the time. Just most of the time. And believe me there’s been plenty of that between me and Spock.”

Bones groaned. “Please tell me you didn’t contact me to hear about your sex life with your first officer.”

“No. Well, not only. Though I have to say it’s pretty fucking fantastic.”

“Jim—”

“All right, Bones. Look, I wanted to make sure you were enjoying your shore leave without me.”

“You think I can’t handle a vacation away from you, sunshine?”

“Don’t give me that shit, Bones. We both know you adore me.”

“Says who?” Bones grumbled. “Anyway, I’m doing fine hanging out with Nyota, Scotty, Pavel and Hikaru. We all miss you and the hobgoblin though.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, we miss you guys too.”

“Sure you do.”

“Well, sure. Sort of. Spock’s looking out the window at me so I probably should go back inside.”

“Out the window?”

“He got cold so I sent him back into the cabin. See you soon, Bones. Kirk out.” Jim closed the communicator and opened the back door. “Was talking to Bones.”

Spock nodded. “I suspected as much. I have turned on the fireplace and made tea.”

Jim went to Spock and put his arms around him to kiss him. “You’re perfect, you know that, right?”

Spock arched a brow. “There have been many times you did not think so.”

“Well, I think so now.” Jim took the tea cup Spock offered him. “Thank God, I was freezing out there.”

“Then why did you stay out there so long? It is illogical.”

“Baby, you have to know by now how illogical I am.”

Spock nodded. “I know but sometimes I am still surprised by the depths of it.”

Jim rolled his eyes. Spock was staring at him intently. “Okay, what?”

“I wish to discuss something with you.”

“What?”

“You may wish to sit.”

Jim frowned. “Now you’re freaking me out, Spock. What the hell?” But he went over to the sofa with his tea in hand and sat, waiting for Spock to speak.

Spock knelt in front of the sofa and took Jim’s hands in his. “How much do you know of Vulcan ways?”

“Um, not much. Just what I know from you, really. And a bit from when the Elders were on the Enterprise after the destruction of Vulcan. Why?”

“Have you heard of Vulcan bonds?”

“Aren’t they done as children?”

Spock nodded. “Affirmative.”

Jim took a sip of his tea. “So what are you saying? Are you bonded to someone?”

“I was but T’Pring was killed when Vulcan was destroyed and our bond was severed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“T’Pring and I were never close and were barely acquainted, however, I grieve for the loss of her life as I do all Vulcans who perished,” Spock said.

Jim nodded. “Very well. And?”

“It is possible to form a bond when you are not children. For instance, my father and mother were bonded in the ways of Vulcan.”

Jim blinked and took another sip of his tea. He had a feeling he knew where this was going now and he tried not to panic. This was Spock. He could handle some sort of commitment if that was what Spock wanted. Couldn’t he?

Spock looked vaguely queasy and Jim decided to take pity on him. He joined the fingers of their hands.

“You want to bond with me?” Jim asked softly.

Spock did not meet his gaze at first, just stared at their hands. He slowly nodded.

“How is it done?”

“Our minds would be joined in a ceremony on New Vulcan.”

“So, is it like a sort of marriage?” Don’t freak out, Jim, he reminded himself.

Spock inclined his head. “Of a sorts. But it is more than that and more complicated than a simple human marriage. Bondmates are for life. Or they are meant to be. It is not impossible to dissolve a bond but it is difficult and undesirable.”

He swallowed. “Would you be able to read my mind? Know my memories?”

“This concerns you?”

“I have…my thoughts I have now? No. I tell you what I’m thinking most of the time anyway. But the memories? They’re really screwed up and I’d rather you didn’t know some of this shit that’s in my head from them.”

“There is nothing that can make my regard for you change, Jim.”

Jim nodded. “I know you believe that.”

“Because it is true. My love for you is unconditional. Do you believe if you learned something dark about my past it would change your feelings toward me?”

“Never.”

Spock cupped Jim’s chin, stroking his thumb along the jawline. “It is the same for me, Ashayam. But there are ways to shield certain parts of your mind even from your bondmate.”

“You don’t want that though right?”

“I would prefer we share everything,” Spock admitted. “But I would never wish to cause you distress or discomfort.”

Jim smiled. “I know. Okay, if we do this, we’d really be connected forever?”

Spock’s dark eyes were solemn. “Yes.”

He blew out a breath. Tried to answer. But it must have taken too long because he saw the disappointment in Spock’s eyes before he quickly squelched it and Jim felt like a complete dick.

“It is too soon,” Spock said carefully. He released Jim’s hands and went to stand.

“Spock, no, please.” He gripped Spock’s shirt and tugged him back down. He grabbed Spock’s face and kissed him hard. “I love you so much.”

“But you hesitate.”

“I’m scared. I’ve never done this before, Spock. I mean there were others—many others—but not like you. Not even Carol. No one has ever been like you and no one ever will be. I’m so afraid I’m going to fuck up. I don’t do relationships. Starfleet is the only thing I’ve ever committed too and I almost screwed that up.”

“Jim—”

“I want to do it.”

Spock blinked.

Jim smiled. “I mean it. I want to bond with you.”

“You are certain?”

“I’m still afraid of fucking up, but I know I love you and want to be with you.”

Spock kissed him the human way and then offered two fingers for the Vulcan kiss which Jim met. “I am gratified.”

Jim grinned. “Now, we only have a little time left on our shore leave. Wanna go have sex?”

Spock arched a brow. “Affirmative.”     


	6. Chapter 6

Jim bolted straight up from his dream gasping for breath but Spock was ready for it and he immediately began to gently rub his Captain’s back, kneading the bare skin soothingly.

“A nightmare?” he queried when Jim’s breathing had slowed down.

“Jesus, fuck. Yeah.”

Spock hesitated, moving his fingers to Jim’s neck, his touch light, comforting. “A meld might help you again.”

Jim ducked his head, staring down into his lap, but he nodded.

Spock positioned himself in front of Jim and touched his fingers to Jim’s face at the psi-points. More harsh images greeted him.

Beatings, torture, sexual assault, starvation, murder. Sorrow and abandonment. Begging for death. Pain so great, so potent Spock caught his breath.

He nearly dropped his hand from his captain’s face in surprise, but he controlled it, pushed aside his own torment and focused on Jim’s. Safety, reassurance, love, want, every positive emotion Spock could think of, he eased into Jim’s mind, until the last tentacles of the nightmare faded away.

Jim exhaled and opened his eyes as Spock’s hand slid from his face. “That’s amazing how you do that.”

“I am gratified I can assist you.”

“Can you do that for anyone’s nightmares?”

“I do not know. I have only sought to ease your distress, no one else’s,” Spock admitted. No one else had mattered this much. His heart pounding painfully in his side, he ventured, “Jim, may I ask a query?”

“Yeah.” Though his blue eyes were guarded.

“I saw other sexual assaults. When you were very young.” Spock did not know how to ask. He pressed his lips together and stroked his thumb across Jim’s wrist.

“Ah,” he said levelly. “Frank and his friends.”

“Your stepfather?”

Jim’s gaze did not waver from Spock’s. “Yeah. When they were drunk…sometimes. Not often, but enough.”

“You were a child.”

He shook his head but he said, “I was until then.”

Spock felt the burning in his eyes a mere second before a tear spilled from his cheek.

“Hey, hey,” Jim said, suddenly wrapping his arms around Spock. “Don’t cry. Please? I hate to make you cry.”

“You do not,” Spock said hoarsely, holding him close. “Those that have hurt you so grievously do.”

“Even still.” Jim swallowed against him. “It reminds me of when…of before. And I don’t think either one of us want to think of that.”

“No,” Spock agreed.

“That all stopped when I went to Tarsus. I went there to get away from Frank.”

Spock could not control the sudden rage he felt. He wished to tear Frank apart with his bare hands.

“Spock?” Jim leaned back a little to study Spock’s face. “Are you mad?”

“Not with you, Ashaya. I feel a great deal of aggression toward your stepfather.”

Jim shook his head. “It’s wasted. He’s dead. Drank himself to death a couple of years before I joined Starfleet.”

“I normally would not admit to feeling pleasure at another’s death but at the moment I am gratified.”

His captain smiled and kissed the corner of Spock’s mouth. “You’re really something, you know that?”

“No. I believe I have told you this before but it is you who amaze me. That you are as remarkable as you are given all that you have been through—”

“I know.” Jim sighed. “You saw other memories?”

He nodded. “I did. It was not my intention to intrude but our minds are expectantly compatible.”

“That’s a good thing?”

“It will make a bond between us very simple to execute. Because of it, I can navigate your thoughts and emotions quite readily.”

“And that’s how you saw my memories,” Jim said with a nod.

“Affirmative.” He studied Jim’s face. His expression was serious, thoughtful, but not exactly upset. “You are not distressed by this?”

Jim pursed his lips. “Look, I can’t say I’m totally thrilled you know about a lot of the crap that’s happened to me. I didn’t intend for you to know. Or anyone to know. My life has been shitty, yeah. But that has nothing to do with my life now.”

“You have not discussed this with Dr. McCoy?”

“No and I’m not going to.”

“Jim, I only saw a small percentage of your memories, likely the ones related to your nightmare tonight, perhaps it would be wise—”

“Spock, I love you. Really. But I’m not talking to Bones or anyone else about this.”

Spock clamped his lips firmly closed.

Jim closed his hand around Spock’s, stroking his fingers along Spock’s. It soothed Spock, he was not certain why he took such comfort in it, it should not be so until they were bonded, as far as Spock knew, and yet his mind steadied in a very unexpected way. He would need to meditate over it later.

“I’m okay, Spock. And it’s thanks to you.”

Jim kissed him and Spock found he was gratified for the distraction for both of them.

****

“I can’t  believe our shore leave is over already,” Jim grumbled as he tossed their bags into the rickety wooden cart with the horse-like creature they’d taken to the cabin.

Spock eyed it with trepidation. “Captain, perhaps it would be best for me to drive us down the mountain.”

Jim’s eyebrows rose. “Why?”

“You are no doubt fatigued.”

His captain laughed. “Fatigued? Spock, I just spend the last three days doing nothing. I’m not fatigued.”

“Very well, because as I told you before, you are a terrible cart driver.”

“Oh, come on, Spock. We survived on the way to the cabin. My driving is fine. Get in.”

“I would like to log a formal protest, Captain,” Spock said primly.

“Duly noted, Commander,” Jim said, clearly amused. “Get in.”

Suppressing a sigh with all his Vulcan control, Spock hauled himself into the cart and sat stiffly waiting for Jim to get in and pick up the creature’s reigns.

Jim snapped the reigns and the creature took off down the lane at a rapid pace. Too rapid as far as Spock was concerned. The cart swayed.

“Hey, I wonder if this thing can pop a wheelie,” Jim said cheerfully.

“Pop a wheelie? I am unfamiliar with this term.”

Jim shrugged. “It’s basically getting it to rear up on like one wheel.”

Spock stared at him, wide-eyed. “You will do no such thing.”

“Ah, come on, Spock. It could be fun.”

“You will break both our necks, Captain. No.”

Jim laughed. “Okay, I won’t. But only because I don’t want to freak you out.”

“I am gratified.” Spock clutched at the cart’s sides. “Is it necessary for the creature to go this fast?”

“I thought faster would make you happy.”

“Why?”

“Well, we could be at the bottom of the hill faster.”

“While that would indeed be preferable, I find it more satisfactory to make our transport without any external injuries.”

“You’re adorable, you know that?” Jim grinned.

Spock sniffed, but said nothing. Just clutched the side of the cart with one hand and then clutched Jim’s leg with the other. Jim was pumped full of adrenaline and excitement and it came through loud and clear through their contact.

By the time they made it to the bottom of the hill, Spock finally let the breath he’d been holding out. He felt just a bit queasy.

His captain glanced at him. “You okay?”

“I will be as soon as this cart stops near the transport and we can get as far from it and your driving as possible.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I doubt you could have done better.”

“Since you refused to relinquish the reigns we will never know.”

Jim grinned. “Well, honestly, Spock, I love it when you take charge. At least in certain activities.”

“You refer to sexual congress.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I admit I do find this particular activity pleasurable as well.”

“Did you just say you like having sex with me?”

Spock arched an eyebrow. “I should think it was obvious without me having to state it.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s still nice to hear.”

Jim stopped the cart near where they had originally found it and they both exited and grabbed their bags. They got on board the transport that would take them back to the main city where they would make their way back to the ship.

Spock noticed as they rode up to the city that Jim had become very quiet. “Are you unwell?”

“What?” Jim looked startled. “No. Not really.”

Spock glanced around their compartment but saw no one paying them attention. He took Jim’s hand and turned them palm upward. He stroked his thumb along the pads of his palm.

“You are distressed?”

“No, just, a little sad that it’s over.”

“Our shore leave?”

Jim nodded. “I liked just being with you. It was nice for a change not to have any responsibilities. I mean, yeah, I know they could have called us for anything even while we were here, but they didn’t, and I liked it.”

“You would prefer more leisure time.”

“I think so. I don’t know for how long though because I think eventually if it was too long I’d get restless and want to be up in space exploring. And honestly, three days with anyone other than you? I don’t think I would have really liked that much either.” Jim smiled. “I guess it’s just you, Spock. Shore leave or space, I like being with you.”

Spock stroked his fingers across Jim’s in a Vulcan kiss. “I find your company pleasurable above all others as well.”

When they reached the transporter in the city, they immediately found much of the bridge crew waiting for them.

The doctor immediately went up to Jim and slapped him on the back. “How are you doing, kid?”

“He is fine, doctor,” Spock said. “I would not let the captain come to harm.”

Dr. McCoy rolled his eyes. “I am aware of that, Spock.” He turned his back on Spock. “How are you doing?” he asked Jim again.

Jim smiled. “Fine, Bones. How was your leave?”

“Pretty decent. No good Bourbon, though.”

Spock noticed Nyota was looking at him so he turned to her. “You are well?”

“I am. How’d it go with you two?”

“It was a positive experience.”

Her lips twitched but it was not quite a smile. “You two look closer. I don’t know…there’s something.”

“I did ask him to bond with me,” he told her in a quiet voice.

Her eyes widened. “Did you? Wow.”

Spock knew she was aware of the significance of that and also that he had never broached the subject with her. He did not wish to hurt Nyota, but he believed in being honest.

“It is the natural progression of my regard for him.”

“Yes, I suppose it is. I’m surprised he said yes, though. He did say yes, right?”

Spock nodded stiffly. “Why does his agreement surprise you?”

Nyota shrugged. “Just his commitment issues. I guess you really bring out the best in him. I’m not surprised by that, Spock. You’re one of a kind.”

“Okay, time to beam up,” their captain announced, rather loudly Spock thought, as Jim looked at him and Nyota with narrowed eyes. He could not imagine Jim being jealous of Nyota.

Spock went to stand next to Jim on the pad which earned him one of Jim’s smiles.

As soon as they were back on the ship, crew members were demanding both of their attention and it was only minutes before they separated, Jim to go to the bridge and Spock to the labs. But as Spock made to move off in the opposite direction of his captain, he brushed Jim’s fingers and felt a warm spark where bare skin touched bare skin.  


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one.  
> I went against Canon as you will see

“Hi Carol,” Jim greeted his pregnant former lover as she appeared on his terminal screen. “You look good.”

“Thank you.” She smiled. “You look pretty good yourself.” She tilted her blonde head. “You actually look happy.”

Jim cleared his throat. “Um, anyway. You’re feeling all right?”

“Yes, which actually is why I contacted you. Everything’s been going very well with the pregnancy and I know the gender of the baby, so I thought I’d let you know if you’d like to have the information.”

He leaned forward. “Yeah?” He grinned. “I’d love to know.”

“It’s a girl, Jim.”

For a moment he just let himself think about it. A girl? He was going to have a daughter. He never thought he’d have a kid at all, really. He still didn’t see himself as father material. But the thought of a tiny little girl made him smile. A lot.

“That’s awesome,” he said at last.

She laughed. “I expected you’d want a boy.”

Jim shook his head. “Not especially. I‘ll bet she’ll be beautiful just like her mother.”

“You definitely can be charming, Jim,” Carol said, smiling. “How is Mr. Spock doing?”

“Spock?”

“You are together now, aren’t you?”

He felt himself blush which was beyond ridiculous really. “Uh. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah.”

“Congratulations. I thought that was why you appeared happy. Honestly, Jim, I really am happy for you.”

“Thanks. And thanks for letting me know about the baby. I’m really glad things are going well.”

“I’ll talk to you soon, Jim. Goodbye.”

That wasn’t quite as awkward as he imagined it being, but awkward enough. Most of the time when he was done with a relationship—if you could call a few nights of sex a relationship which is usually what Jim had—he never had to deal with whoever it was again. But having a kid with one sort of changed all that.

“Captain?”

Jim hit the comm. “Yes, Lieutenant Uhura?”

“Starfleet transmission, sir. We’re to intercept an asteroid headed on a collision course to the planet, M156.”

“Have Mr. Chekov set a course, Lieutenant. I’m on my way.”

****

Jim beamed down to the surface of M156 with Spock and Bones. He wanted to survey the planet immediately in danger from the asteroid to see what his options were. If they could not destroy the asteroid or change the direction of it until it was no longer threatening M156 or any other planet, they would have to try to evacuate the indigenous population. Or would that be against the Prime Directive. Probably. Which meant Jim was getting a headache.

“Okay, we don’t have a lot of time. Spock, what do we know about this place?”

“The natives are a relatively primitive people, similar to North American indigenous tribes such as the Navajo. They live simple lives living off the land,” Spock advised, running his tricorder.

Okay, well, that answered the Prime Directive question. Definitely a violation. So that meant he was back to destroying the asteroid or deflecting it away from planets with life forms.

“All right, let’s split up and meet back here in say fifteen. I want to see what we can find.”

Jim moved away, starting up his own tricorder, and scanning the area to the right. He’d only gone a short distance when he came upon an obelisk with strange writings. He moved up to the structure and ran his fingers over the writing. He took out his communicator.

“Kirk to Spock.”

“Spock here, Captain.”

“I’ve found an obelisk with pretty ancient writing. You want to come take a look?”

“Acknowledged. On my way.”

Jim closed his communicator and stepped around the other side of the obelisk. He fingered another wall with writing on it and then the ground moved underneath him. Frowning, Jim looked down to see the ground opening up. “Oh shit.”

And then he fell below.

****

Spock came upon an obelisk. Logically the one Jim had contacted him about. But there was no sign of Jim.

“Captain? Jim?”

No answer.

He flipped open his communicator. “Spock to Captain Kirk.”

Still no answer.

“Spock to McCoy.”

“McCoy here.”

“Doctor, have you seen the captain?”

“No, why? Where is he?”

“He called me only a moment ago to request my presence at an obelisk. When I arrived he was nowhere to be found.”

“Damn. I’ll be right there.”

Spock searched the area while he waited for Dr. McCoy but there was still no sign of Jim. He focused his control so he did not give in to panic.

McCoy came running over. “Did you find him?”

“No.”

“Enterprise to Mr. Spock.”

“Spock here, Mr. Scott.”

“I’ve been trying to reach the captain, but he doesn’t answer.”

“We’ve lost communication with the captain here also.”

“Well, I’ve been trying to tell him you’ve got to come back. The asteroids picking up speed and Starfleet wants it taken care of right away.”

“Acknowledged. Spock out.”

McCoy looked grim. “We’d better find Jim and get out of here.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “We do not have time, doctor.”

“What? What do you mean we don’t have time?”

“We must return to the Enterprise now.”

“What?”

“We have our orders.”

“Our orders?” McCoy exclaimed. “Why you cold hearted green blooded son of a bitch! This is _Jim_ we’re talking about. We can’t just leave him. He could be injured.”

“I am aware of that, doctor. I do not like this any more than you do, but we must return to the Enterprise to engage the asteroid. If this asteroid reaches this planet, Jim and all off the inhabitants will be destroyed.”

Dr. McCoy frowned. “Damn it.”

Spock nodded and flipped open his communicator. “Two to beam up.”

And they left M162 and their captain behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay the next few are going to be difficult, so you have your warning now.


	8. Chapter 8

He woke with a screaming headache and a groan that seemed to echo through the dark, damp space where he found himself. He felt…empty. Alone. And so cold. He shivered, hugging himself.

Stumbling to his feet, he felt for something with which to get purchase. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness so he could make out shadows, shapes. He felt along a wall, sending a shiver through him, and pressed some sort of button and the chamber—or whatever it was—was suddenly brightly lit. What he was faced with did not help.

All kinds of machinery and none of it meant anything to him. He felt the back of his head and winced. His hand came away with blood and there was a significant bump on his head. That explained the headache.

He stood there wondering what he was supposed to do. What was this place? And…who the hell was he? That scared him. He didn’t even know why but the fact he did not know himself was frightening. He looked down at his clothing. Black pants, boots, a gold shirt over a black shirt. Weird strips at his cuffs. And a strange looking A insignia on the gold shirt. What the hell did any of it mean?

He went to the machinery and looked it over as though somehow the answers would come from it. He had a feeling he should know this stuff. Should know how to operate it. But no matter how hard he concentrated it eluded him.

Sighing in frustration, he stabbed at a lever on the side of one of the machines and a stone shifted, opening up. He approached it and it looked like some sort of staircase so he went up it with no little curiosity.

And as he walked out of the chamber, the door he’d walked through closed shut behind him. He blinked, shielded his eyes against the bright sun bearing down on him. Then he heard several surprised gasps.

Kneeling before him were five women and three men. The men wore what appeared to be suede pants with no shirts and the women wore dresses made of similar material to the pants. They were all adorned with colorful beads and had dark hair, some flowing freely and some braided.

“You are a god,” one of the men said. He stated it as a fact rather than a question.

“I’m sorry?”

“You have come from our sacred temple, you are a god,” the man said. “May I ask your name, oh god, so that we may know who we are to worship.”

“Name?”

“Yes.”

They all smiled expectantly at him and he tried to focus. Name? What was his name? It was there just out of reach. He frowned. “Ki-Ki-rok.” No, no, that wasn’t right.

“Kirok? You are called Kirok,” the man declared as though he had indeed said that was his name. But it wasn’t, was it?

They all stood and started to touch him reverently. He noticed one particular woman, young and quite pretty, staring at him kind of shyly. He smiled at her.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I am Miramanee, Kirok. I am the daughter of our tribal chief. I am honored to be in your presence.”

“Kirok,” said the first man who had greeted him. “Come back with us to meet the chief and the others. They will be happy to meet you and welcome you. We will have a great feast in your honor.”

So, Kirok, having no better name to think of himself, followed them down stone steps and into a beautiful woodsy area. Miramanee kept stealing glances at him, smiling and Kirok found himself returning her shy smiles. She really was beautiful.

They led him directly to the tribal elders but the chief, Goro, stared hard at him. “Why are we to believe you are a god?” he demanded.

Kirok shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t really know who or what I am.”

“Father,” Miramanee spoke up, kneeling before the chief. “We saw Kirok come from the sacred place. He must be a god.”

Another man, large and thick with muscles and an extravagant chest piece made of colored beads, came forward. “I demand proof. Show us that you are a god, Kirok.”

There were other tribal members murmuring and Kirok wasn’t sure what to do. He had no memory of who he was. He did not believe himself to be a god, but since he could not remember, perhaps it was possible.

Goro stared at him. “Our medicine man, Salish is right. My daughter says that she witnessed you coming from the sacred place, but that does not mean you are a god. We mean o disrespect, Kirok.”

“Yes, I—”

Suddenly a woman screamed and they all turned as a man and woman ran toward them holding a small child who appeared to be unconscious.

“We found him in the lake,” the woman said, crying.

The man called Salish knelt beside the child after they laid him down on the ground. Salish shook his head. “I can do nothing. The boy is dead.”

Kirok did not know why but he pushed them all out of the way and took Salish’s place next to the boy. He breathed into the boy’s mouth and compressed his chest until after several minutes the boy coughed and began to breathe on his own. The tribal people around him gasped.

“Forgive us, Kirok,” Goro said, bowing before him and urging the others to do the same. Only Salish remained standing. “You are indeed a god. We welcome you amongst us and ask that you become our medicine man.”

“What?” Salish demanded.

“You have served our people well, Salish, but now that Kirok is here he should take his rightful place as our healer,” Goro said.

The others agreed and before he knew what was going on they were forcing Salish to take off his beaded chest piece to turn over to him.

“Great Kirok, you are our healer now. Our medicine man. Tonight we celebrate with a grand feast in your honor.”

****

“Kirok? May I come in?”

Miramanee’s voice.

He had been given an enormous tent with a sleeping pallet and private sitting and eating area. He was sitting in it trying to get his memories back but so far he hadn’t had any luck.

“Yes, come in,” he called to her.

Her long dark hair was loose now instead of braided and she’d dressed it with pink and yellow flowers. She smiled at him. “May I sit before you?”

He nodded and she sat very close to him and reached for his hand. She turned it over and ran her fingertips over the line on his palm.

“You have good strong hands, Kirok.”

He smiled. She really was very beautiful. “Thank you.”

She looked a bit shyly under her lashes at him. “I am certain you know this as you are a god, but as our medicine man, you and I are to marry.”

“Marry?”

“Yes. I was to marry Salish but now that you have come my father has said that we are to be married. He is very pleased I will be bound to a god.”

He licked his lips. “And you? Are you also pleased?”

Her smile brightened. “Yes, Kirok. I find that I like you very much.”

“Well, um, when…when are we to marry?”

“As soon as you wish to,” she said, scooting ever closer. “Can you think of a reason we should not be bound to each other?”

Kirok fell silent, turning over the question in his mind. A reason they should not be bound. There was…something. Someone. He could make out vague details of dark hair and pointed ears but they were fleeting and when he tried to remember more it went away and he could not get the memory back.

“No, Miramanee, I can think of no reason. When do you wish to wed?”

“Tomorrow would be pleasing to me if you are agreeable.”

He nodded. “Tomorrow then.”

Then she was kissing him and he kissed her back, laying her down on the ground underneath him.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super behind on all my fics right now (except Secret Santa which is finished) so this is the last chapter I have written for any of them, so updates may be sporadic for a while since I need to catch up.

 “Spock!”

Kirok sat up with a gasp, his chest heaving, sweat trickling down his face and back.

Miramanee hugged him. “The dream again, husband? Of the big lounge in the sky?”

“Yeah.” He licked his lips, shook his head. “It was so real. I…I think it’s where I came from.”

“But it has been two months since you came to us, husband. If you were going to get your memories back, I would think you would already have done so.”

“Maybe.”

She turned his face to hers. “You are happy here?”

He smiled. “I’m very happy here.”

“Perhaps you are not meant to remember your life before,” she said. “Perhaps it is your destiny to be with me. And…our child.”

His heart skipped a beat. “Our child?”

She laughed. “Yes, my husband. I carry our child.”

He held her close.

“You are happy with this news?”

“I am. I can’t imagine being happier.”

They sat there on the pallet holding each other for several moments and after a while he realized that the wind outside howled fiercely and blew the tent violently. Frowning he pulled away from her and stood.

“What is it?” she asked, following him.

He moved the tent flap aside. “The storm is getting worse.”

“What of it? We get storms all the time.”

“Not like this. There is something about this.” He stepped outside and saw that many of the tribe members were also coming out of their tents. The ground beneath them shook, nearly sending them off their feet, but Kirok held onto Miramanee to steady her.

Her father, Goro, came hurrying over. “This storm is worrisome, Kirok. Is there nothing you can do?”

Salish appeared. “Yes, Kirok. Perhaps there is something you can do in the sacred temple as you have come from there. You can save our village from the storm.”

“Yes, Kirok, please save us,” Goro urged.

Kirok had no idea how he had gotten into the sacred temple, but he agreed to go there as the tribe members were getting every increasingly agitated.

They all went to the temple as the weather worsened and the sky turned ominous above them. The wind blew harsh and unrelenting. The ground began to shake more frequently and with more violence each time. The people were becoming very frightened.

Taking a deep breath, Kirok took the steps to the top and in a loud voice said, “I am Kirok, open for me.”

Nothing happened and really he had not expected anything _would_ happen. He glanced back at the fearful faces.

“It is I, Kirok, open for me.”

He tried pressing on rocks, tried running his fingers over the writing, but it did not open. The storm grew worse.

Salish ran up the stairs. “What is wrong, Kirok? Can it be that you are not a god and you cannot stop the storm? Have you been lying to us all this time?”

Before Kirok could prevent it, Salish grabbed his hand and slashed a dagger across the palm, causing a deep cut to appear. Salish held up Kirok’s hand.

“Behold your god. A god who bleeds? He is no different than any of you. Except that he has spent the last two months laughing at you and playing you for a fool.”

“No, that’s not true,” he protested.

“It is true,” Salish said angrily. He stepped down from the stairs and grabbed a handful of rocks. “Now he must die for his betrayal of us.”

He began to throw rocks at Kirok. The first few hit his arms but then several hit his chest. Many of the other tribal members also picked up rocks and began to throw them at him. One hit his cheek and then his forehead and he dropped to his knees.

“No!” Miramanee screamed. “No, don’t. Please.” She placed herself in front of him, trying to protect him from the sudden barrage of stones and rocks coming his way.

Several hit her and she fell.

“Miramanee, no,” he gasped out. He reached for.

Shimmering lights appeared near his location and two men appeared before him. Both dressed in black pants and blue shirts, very similar in markings to the clothes he had worn when first he emerged from the temple.

The tribal people became frightened and ran off leaving just these men with him and Miramanee.

“Jim,” a tall, thin alien looking man with pointy ears came toward him. And the other man hurried to him also, holding out some machinery.

“Jim, Jim, are you okay?” this man asked.

“My-my wife. Miramanee. Help her.”

The one with the pointy ears stiffened and breathed in sharply. “Jim?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know any Jim. Who are you?”

The man turned to the other one who was now kneeling beside Miramanee. “Doctor, I am going to do a mind meld with him.”

“All right, Spock.”

“Spock?” he repeated.

“Yes. You are Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. I am your first officer, Spock, and this is Dr. McCoy.”

The one called Spock lifted his hand toward Kirok’s face.

“What-what are you going to do?”

“I will restore your memories.” His fingers found Kirok’s face.

And then just like that Spock was in his mind, finding and restoring his memories, his thoughts, his experiences, until it all came back in a great rush and was almost overwhelming, beating against his brain, his emotions, draining him, exhausting him.

“I am Kirok…Kirok…Kirrrkk. I am Kirk.”

“Yes.” Spock left his mind abruptly and withdrew his hand. “You remember now, Captain?”

_Oh God_. He closed his eyes. _Oh God. Spock_. _What have I done_?

Jim struggled to sit up. Spock’s expression was carved out of stone. “Miramanee?”

Bones shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, Jim. She’s gone. The-the baby too.”

If possible, Spock’s expression became more closed off. Jim’s gut twisted. His heart felt like it might split in two. And Miramanee.

“I loved her.”

“I grieve with thee,” Spock said softly.

And somehow that made it worse. Everything was worse.

“The asteroid is still coming, Captain. There is not much time. While we were attempting to destroy the asteroid, the ship was damaged and we had to return here under impulse power. Mr. Scott has advised repairs will need to be completed at a starbase. The asteroid was damaged but not destroyed.”

“Maybe there’s something in here.” Jim got to his feet. “I was standing over there.” He pointed and walked over. “I had my communicator out and I touched this.”

The obelisk opened and the three of them went inside. Spock immediately went to the computer. Jim bent down and picked up his discarded communicator that he’d lost when he’d fallen.

“Anything?”

“One moment, Captain,” Spock said, all business. And then, “I believe I have discovered a mechanism for destroying the asteroid. There is a deflector beam here. It was offline but I have repaired it.”

He pressed a button and the three of them went out of the obelisk to watch a laser beam reach up into the sky to destroy the approaching asteroid.

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” He dropped to his knees beside Miramanee. “Can you guys give me a bit? I’ll be up to the Enterprise shortly.”

He could tell by their looks they didn’t want to leave him there but he was also their captain and under the circumstances they weren’t about to argue with him either.

When they were gone he lifted her to him and held her. Closing his eyes he kissed her cold forehead.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t prevent a tear from slipping out. She hadn’t deserved this. Any of this. And she had sacrificed herself and their baby for him. “I’m sorry,” he said again, and kissed her lips. He lifted her in his arms and brought her back to the village and to her father.

He didn’t look any of them in the eyes, not because he was ashamed, but because he was angry they had killed her because of him. One more life he had ruined. More proof he could not do relationships.

He retrieved his uniform from the village too and left the clothes they had given him behind. Save for one thing which he brought with him. Hs returned to the ship to find only Bones waiting for him. Spock was nowhere to be seen and Jim was glad. They would need to talk. But now, he didn’t think he could manage it.

“Are you okay, Jim?” Bones asked, touching his arm gently. “We should check you out in medbay.”

“I’m fine, Bones. I don’t need medbay.”

“Jim, you’ve been missing for two months. You had a head injury that caused amnesia and you just got stoned, with indications that at least one of those hit you in the head. I know you’re upset, but as your doctor and your friend, please, come to medbay and let me check you.”

He really wanted to argue. He wanted to disappear into his quarters, and frankly never come out. But he also knew Bones was right.

“Make it quick.”

Neither of them said a word as they made their way to medbay. And as Bones examined him, he watched Jim rather intently, but he kept whatever questions he wanted to himself, until the end.

“That girl—”

His chest tightened. “Miramanee.”

“She was your wife?”

Jim swallowed, but the lump wouldn’t go away. “Yeah, she-she was.”

“We didn’t want to leave you there. The asteroid was coming and—”

“I know, Bones,” Jim interrupted. “I don’t blame you. You did what you had to do.”

“I know Spock wanted to get back to you.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I know that, too. Am I okay to go back to my quarters now?”

Bones squeezed his shoulder. “Yeah, okay.”

He tried a smile but it faltered and he knew it. “Thanks, Bones.”

When he got back to his quarters, he took out the little beaded bracelet Miramanee had made for him to wear when they married. He clutched it in his fist and allowed the tears to fall.


	10. Chapter 10

Spock stood outside his captain’s quarters. Logically he should obtain entrance to the quarters and assure himself of Jim’s welfare, but he found he could not and he passed by to his own quarters.

It was hard to think logically when faced with Jim’s betrayal. And Spock also knew, logically, it was not a betrayal. Not exactly. Jim was unable to remember Spock, therefore, he could not have betrayed him with the native woman.

There was a part of Spock, though, that wondered why he had been so easily forgotten. It was not fair to Jim to think this way. He had never experienced amnesia himself, he did not know the particulars other than what was easily available to read about. But somewhere in Spock’s mind he did not believe he would have forgotten Jim’s existence had the situation been reversed.

Illogical.

But then his feelings for Jim had been illogical from the start. They had begun almost as enemies. Yet even then Spock had been drawn to Jim. Still, Jim should have been the last human for him to have developed such an affection for. He was rash, emotional, promiscuous, arrogant, and a trouble maker. All things Spock did not find particularly appealing. Yet together with Jim’s brilliance, loyalty, tactical brain, bravery, outer beauty, kindness, vulnerability, and insecurity made up a man that Spock could not resist. Spock had tried.

He changed out of his uniform and pulled on his meditation robe. Perhaps meditating could help to focus his mind on the issues he must deal with.

If he could get the images of Jim lying with the native woman out of his mind perhaps it would be easier to forget. He had told no one. Not even Nyota. Certainly not Dr. McCoy. And there had been no time to discuss the possibilities with Jim.

Spock was aware of each time his captain had been with her. At first he had not understood what he was getting, but after some analysis, Spock had come to the inevitable conclusion that somehow he and Jim were bonded. They had not had any bonding ceremony so the only bond they could have had was the Telsu bond. Jim was his T’hy’la.

It had made logical sense to Spock. It would explain being so drawn to Jim from the beginning. He speculated that the bond had formed during their shore leave when he had melded with Jim. He recalled when they returned to the ship, touching Jim’s skin had been different. The last night they’d engaged in sexual congress before going to M156 had been particularly intense.

The knowledge of Jim’s coupling with the woman, being married to her, and having created a child with her…had been difficult. It would have been difficult anyway because of Spock’s feelings for Jim, but it was made more so by their bond.

A bond that was now aching with pain, betrayal, and deep sorrow.

He lit the incense and sat down to meditate.

****

The coward’s way would be to send Spock a message on his PADD. And Jim might be the biggest ass that ever had the misfortune to be born but he was not a coward. If he was going to do this he owed Spock this much.

He buzzed the door to Spock’s quarters.

He was clenching his fists and when he realized it he forced himself to relax. This would be confrontational enough as it was without going in all aggressive.

The door opened to reveal Spock pulling his blue science tunic over his head. He did not seem at all surprised to see Jim. But he did not seem pleased either.

Jim licked his lips. “Can-can I talk to you for a moment?” He stepped inside the warm quarters and the door swooshed closed behind him.

“Yes, Captain.”

He hated the coldness he heard there, but it was deserved. Anything that he got was deserved.

“Look, I could beat around the bush,” Jim said, then held up his hand when he saw Spock was going to interrupt, and continued, “that means I could try to delay what I want to say, but I don’t think that would really do either of us any favors.”

Now that he was here to say it—now that he was looking at Spock and wanting nothing more than to be held by him so tight Spock would never let go—all he could do was look at Spock. How in the hell was he going to do this? All he knew was he had to.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “You didn’t deserve what happened on M156.”

“Jim—”

“No. Please. I need to say this. I need to do this. You-you’re-you mean so much to me. You’re everything I could have ever wanted. But, I think what happened here demonstrates, really, what I’ve always known to be true.”

“Which is?”

“I can’t do relationships.” Jim shook his head. “This is harder than any command decision I’ve ever made. Hurting you is unacceptable to me. And I can’t do it. Not anymore.”

Spock seemed to exhale but his expression did not change. “What are you saying, Jim?”

“This-between us has to be over. I can’t be in a committed relationship. I can’t do monogamy. Yeah, _this time_ , I have the supposed excuse of amnesia, but I know me, Spock. I’m going to fuck up again. I always do. I thought if I could try with anyone…it had to be you. But I can’t even do that right. I saw your eyes, Spock. I saw your face when you learned who Miramanee was to me. I can’t put that look in your eyes again.”

“Jim—”

“I’m sorry. I’m not logical. And I’ll never be a good bondmate for you, Spock. Us being together like this…was a mistake.”

His heart constricted painfully in his chest at the words. They were brutal to hear, brutal to say, brutal to think. It was so much harder than he could have even imagined. His chest ached, his head really ached, like something was being torn apart inside. He blinked.

And through it all Spock just continued to stare. His dark eyes unreadable. Closed off. Shuttered. He didn’t know what he had expected. Spock would not weep or beg him to stay. It would not be logical. This was. And they both knew it. Probably why Spock didn’t even try to argue.

Spock nodded, said nothing.

And stupidly, his heart twisted further. He’d put this in to motion. It was him who chose to break up with Spock. Why should it hurt that Spock accepted it?

Jim turned his back on Spock then. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and then he left, listening to the doors of Spock’s quarters close behind him. 

      


	11. Chapter 11

The tension on the bridge was nearly unbearable even for Spock. Perhaps especially for Spock. The fragile bond between him and his captain ached with pain and desolation. At times Spock was uncertain which one of them was projecting those emotions.

The shift had been going on for hours and not once had Jim turned around to look at Spock. He’d barely said a word and kept his head bowed over his PADD.

But Spock could feel him nevertheless. The link between them was damaged, bleeding, heartbroken. Yet still there. Spock could barely breathe.

He stood up from his station. He needed to put distance between them. This was too much for his fragile shields, fragile control to take.

Spock forced himself to ignore everything but logic. He could not do anything else.

“Captain.”

To his credit, Jim did not flinch. He did not turn around either. “Mr. Spock?”

“I have work to attend to in the labs.”

“Very well. You’re dismissed.”

His back ramrod straight, Spock entered the turbolift, and he should not have been surprised when Nyota squeezed past the doors just as they were closing.

“Spock, are you okay?” she asked, stopping the turbolift.

“I am functioning.”

She studied him. “Are you sure about that? What’s going on, Spock? Did something happen between you and Kirk?”

“He ended our relationship,” Spock said quietly.

“He what? What?”

“Do not require me to repeat the words, Nyota.”

She let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to. I just…I can’t believe it. Why?”

“He believes we are incompatible.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you guys were happy.”

Spock did not meet her gaze. “We were not.” He knew it now. The realization that all he had believed to be true… was not... was painful. Even his mind had been deceived by seeking out Jim’s. Connecting them when clearly Jim had not wanted that.

“Is it because of what happened while he was on M156 for two months?”

“To imply it was that simple would be illogical. I am certain that contributed to the breakdown of our compatibility, but if it had not already been an error then it should have been able to withstand those events.”

Nyota touched his arms. “You don’t have to be so stoic. I know you love him.”

“He…is my T’hy’la.”

She gasped then and hugged him. “Spock, you have to fix this then.”

He shook his head. “I must accept that this is what he wishes.”

“Does he know?”

“No, I did not realize our bond had formed until he was on M156 when he—when he copulated with the native woman.”

“Far be it from me to defend Kirk, but he had amnesia then, Spock. You can’t really believe he would have done that otherwise.”

“I no longer know what to believe, Nyota. Jim said himself that he did not believe he was capable of monogamy. I am unable to accept sharing my mate. As I said, we are incompatible.”

“Maybe if he knew—”

Spock shook his head. “I am going to consult with my father about breaking it. It would be a burden to him and I cannot harm him. I would accept damage to myself before I would accept it for him. Breaking our bond is the most logical solution.”

“You’re hurting right now, don’t make any rash decisions.”

“I had not intended to,” Spock admitted. “However, that decision was taken from me and I will accept it.” He straightened. “Now, will you allow me to continue to the labs?”

Nyota bit her lip. “Okay. But I still think you two need to talk. A lot.” She reached over and restarted the turbolift and he exited on the deck containing the labs.

****

Jim just wanted the pain in his head to go away. Why did it hurt so fucking much? It almost hurt worse than the pain in his heart. He collapsed to his knees as soon as the door of his quarters closed behind him.

Should he call Bones?

But no. He didn’t want anyone around him. No one could see him like this. He couldn’t let anyone know how badly he was falling apart. He was the captain. He was James Tiberius Kirk.

He was fucked up.

Rather than stumble to his feet, Jim crawled across the floor and grabbed his PADD off his desk. He had reports. So many reports. Messages. Diplomats. Admirals. God, why couldn’t they all leave him alone?

He stared at his PADD. Actually he had expected to see what he was seeing. Had almost even suggested it himself. And still it cut through him like the sharpest blade.

 _Transfer request – Commander Spock, first officer and science officer_.

God, could he fuck up or what?

Spock leaving him would be for the best. Then he would never have to watch Spock die protecting him. Spock would never have to sacrifice himself for Jim. If that ever happened Jim would lose his marbles for good. So he should just check the box agreeing with the request and be done with it.

In the end they would all leave him anyway. His dad. His mom. His brother. Pike. Carol. Miramanee. Spock. Someday Bones would check out too.

They all hurt, yeah. But Spock hurt more than any of them. What a fucking idiot he was. To have someone like Spock and just lose them like that. Because why? He couldn’t keep his dick to himself.

And anyway if Spock lived, it was worth it, this pain of breaking up. Wasn’t it?

Jim crawled to the drawer by his bed and opened it. He grabbed the phaser he kept there and tossed it around a bit before adjusting it. Just one blast to the head…that would be all it took. Hell, really he hadn’t had to change it to _Kill_. Stun would probably kill him with it pressed against his head. But with his luck he’d just be maimed.

He stared at the phaser. Yeah, why shouldn’t he? He’d never feel pain again. No nightmares from Tarsus. From his stepdad touching him. Raping him. No memories of dying. He wouldn’t have to remember the taste of Klingon cock in his mouth.

He brought the phaser to his head and pressed it against the side.

No memories of having hurt Spock. What was that crap? ‘ _Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._

“Well, Jim Kirk says that’s a load of crap,” he spoke out loud.

The door of his quarters buzzed. He closed his eyes and ignored it.

The whoosh indicated the door had been accessed and then he heard the freaked out gasp of one Leonard McCoy.

Jim wasn’t surprised at all when Bones knelt beside him and grabbed the phaser and wrenched it away.

“What the fucking hell do you think you’re doing?” Bones demanded.

He sighed, leaned his head back against his bunk. “I think you know what I thought I was doing.”

“You said you weren’t suicidal.”

“I lied. Okay? I fucking lied.”

Bones stared hard at him. “You’re relieved of command.”

“What the fuck does it matter? I fucked up and lost the most important thing to me anyway.”

“Which is?”

“Spock.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I broke up with him.”

“What? Why?”

Jim shook his head. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m here, you idiot. Talk.”

“I cheated on him.”

“You had amnesia. Look, I’m not saying it was your best move, but you weren’t in your right mind.”

“Yeah but I got her pregnant.” Jim swallowed. “I really cared about her. Not like Spock. No one’s like Spock. And the thing is, if she was still alive and Spock came and I got my memories back, you know I would choose Spock. It’s always him.”

Bones nodded. “Yeah. So, then, why did you break up with him?”

“I hurt him.”

“Relationships are complicated, Jim. Sometimes you hurt each other. You work it out. You don’t break up with them.”

“Said the man who is divorced.”

“You know what I mean. And I never had with her what you have with Spock. And what else is there? Spit it out.”

Jim closed his eyes. “He left me.”

“Huh?”

“He _left_ me. He beamed back on board the Enterprise and just left.”

“The asteroid—”

“Wasn’t an immediate threat. Hell, it took two months for you guys to come back to get me and the asteroid hadn’t destroyed the planet in all that time.” Jim licked his lips. “Did you even search for me?”

“Well, um, I wanted to. Spock said we had to return.”

“Remember way back during Nibiru I asked you if Spock would let me die and you said yes?”

“Jim—”

“Well, he would. He would let me die. It’s weird, you know. He would take a shot meant for me, but the minute you bring his precious prime directive into the picture it’s bye bye Jim. If he had to he’d leave me to die. He _did_ leave me to die because really he had no idea what happened to me or if he’d ever find me again.”

“What does this all mean, Jim? You think you love Spock more than he loves you?”

“That was never a question. He’s a Vulcan, Bones. It’s not the same for them and it all has to be logical.”

“If you think the hobgoblin doesn’t love you then you really do need your head examined. Wait…you do.”

“It all doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why?”

“He doesn’t want to stay. He’s asked for a transfer.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You really are an idiot.” Bones grimaced and punched him in the arm.

“Hey.”

“You’re both relieved of command until you fix this.”

“I’m not—”

“Yes, you are. You’re better together and you know it. If that means being whatever you are with Spock, then that’s what it should be.” Bones rose but he took Jim’s phaser with him. “We’re not done with this mental talk, Jim. You’re holding back what happened to you and it’s eating you up and I can see it a mile away. You _are_ going to deal with it. But first, you’re going to deal with Spock.”

Jim stared at his friend.

“Now.”

“I don’t know where Spock is.”

“Probably In his quarters.” Bones left and Jim was left staring at the transfer request.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

A wave of the most intense, near mind-shattering emotional pain hit him so hard he almost fell to his knees. Choking, gasping despair, darkness. He could barely breathe.

 _Jim_.

Spock had to go to him. _Now_.

He ran down the corridor toward Jim’s quarters and watched as Dr. McCoy stepped out. The doctor saw him at once and he held a phaser in his hand. He shook his head at Spock.

“I just took this away from him,” McCoy whispered hoarsely. His voice sounded broken, wounded.

Spock did not pretend to misunderstand. “Perhaps he should be in the medbay on suicide watch.”

“I don’t know, Spock. I don’t know if that would make it better or worse. Hell if I know what to do for him.”

“Please see that we are not disturbed,” Spock said, then turned to the door of Jim’s quarters. He accessed it without giving Jim notice. The bond still thrummed with such pain Spock could barely function. But one of them had to and Jim was not capable at that moment.

Jim sat on the floor by his bunk, his knees drawn to his chest, his arms wrapped around those knees. Next to him on the floor was his PADD. His face was wet with tears, but he did not appear to be crying at present. Rather he stared straight ahead, giving no indication that he knew Spock had entered the room.

This near to Jim the pain in Spock’s head grew worse still and he had to concentrate and focus to put up mental shields as best he could. The emotions coming from Jim battered the shields relentlessly. Spock dropped to his knees beside Jim.

“Captain.” But no. That was not right. Not now. “Ashayam.” He rested his hand on Jim’s knee. “Look at me.”

Instead of looking at Spock, Jim closed his eyes. There was so much rigid tension in his body, yet Spock soon realized his T’hy’la was shaking. This was…unacceptable.

He moved to sit next to Jim and then pulled the shaking human very carefully onto his lap. Spock wrapped his arms around him, holding him very tight while he pushed through Jim’s pain into his mind. Comfort, love, support, every positive emotion he could think of, he pushed at Jim quickly. He had to reach beyond the despair, the self-loathing. Jim still held himself rigid but the shaking slowed down just a bit.

“I am sorry,” Spock whispered.

He felt Jim’s confusion just before, “Why?”

“I told you my regard for you was unconditional. Yet I have failed you.”

Jim relaxed slightly in his arms. “No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m such a fuck up.”

“We will get nowhere, T’hy’la, if you continue berating yourself that way.”

Jim leaned back enough so that he could look into Spock’s eyes. What Spock saw there in Jim’s red rimmed wet eyes almost made him shake. Such deep sorrow.

“What is that? What did you call me?”

Spock swallowed. “Do you-do you feel me like I feel you? My mind, your mind?”

Jim’s nod was slight and slow but it was there.

“I bonded with you.”

“Bonded? I thought we had to go through a ceremony.”

“Normally. With an ordinary Vulcan bond this is true. What we have is anything but ordinary. It is an ancient bond between two warriors. It is seldom realized, seldom spoken of. Our minds reached out to each other and the bond formed. We are Telsu. T’hy’la. The easiest way to explain for a human is a soul mate.”

Jim closed his eyes again, shook his head a little. “I can’t imagine why you’d get saddled with a soul mate like me.”

“I have no complaints.”

The blue eyes opened again. “Don’t you?”

“I do not. I would prefer that you always speak to me honestly and tell me when you are distressed rather than deciding to end our relationship without giving me any other options.”

“I hate hurting you.”

“Yet it does not occur to you that terminating our relationship is more harmful?”

“You asked for a transfer,” Jim blurted out. Then he lowered his gaze almost shyly.

Spock nodded. He cupped a hand to Jim’s cheek, did not flinch at the mental pain he felt through the skin contact. “I regret my emotional response to your ending our romantic relationship. That is why I have failed you. My request was illogical and I withdraw it.” He hesitated. “Unless you would prefer I am elsewhere?”

Fear from Jim intensified. “I don’t think I can bear it if you are.”

“Nor can I,” Spock admitted. He rubbed his thumb over Jim’s cheek soothingly.  

“Do you think that is because of our bond?”

“I am sure it strengthens it, but I did not wish to be parted from you well before our relationship.”

“Oh.”

He dropped his hand from Jim’s cheek and wondered how best to continue. That Jim remained distraught was very clear. He did not need the bond to know it as he knew from Jim’s body language and those expressive blue eyes. Yet it poured forth from the bond like a raging river. 

Spock reached for Jim’s hand, held it. “Jim, I have been in communications with my father and if you wish, there is a way to break our bond.” He tried to block the bond from feeling his distress at the prospect. He was not certain he was successful.

“You want to break it?” Jim asked, his voice whisper soft. It was so against the normal, boisterous Jim that Spock ached for the other one to be with him…not this shadow, this hurt, pained Jim. 

“I do not,” Spock said honestly. “But it was made without your willing participation.”

“If my mind linked with yours on its own isn’t that sort of consent?”

“Perhaps, but it is more likely it acquiesced to my mind desiring the link.”

“Whatever.” Jim frowned. “I know for someone like you, probably, having someone like me in your head must be difficult.”

“Someone like me?”

“A Vulcan. And…you’re so brilliant. So good. Having a twisted mind like mine must cause you distress.”

Spock let out a shaky breath, but managed to suppress the heartache he felt for his bondmate. “Your mind is beautiful and precious, T’hy’la.”

But Jim wasn’t listening. He just shook his head. “I’m sorry. Spock, I swear to you if I knew who I was—what we were—I never would have been with Miramanee.”

“I wish to believe that, Jim, but you also said you could not do monogamy. I am unable to accept that in a romantic partner.” Loneliness ached from the bond, so Spock said hastily, “I do not wish to leave and I will remain by your side, but if you truly cannot resist having other sexual partners I would prefer we break the bond and continue as only friends.”

The words were difficult to say, but necessary. He would never leave Jim. Even without the bond Jim was still his T’hy’la and he would stay with him for all the years they would have.

Jim visibly swallowed. “I see.”

His heart ached in his side. “Then you do wish to break the bond?”

Jim was quiet for so long, his blue eyes so sad and serious, the bond thrumming with so much pain, Spock knew his answer must be in the affirmative.

“No.”

“Jim?”

“I’m scared, Spock. I’ve got all these feelings and they’re such a jumble. Love, yes, but also fear and betrayal and anger. Do you know what I want to say to you sometimes?”

“What?”

“I really wish you had left me dead.” Jim sighed. “I knew I would die when I went to fix the warp core and I welcomed it. Sure, I was scared. But deep down I wanted to die. Everything could be over. All the memories. All the failures. Pike’s disappointment in me. And then…l loved you, but you weren’t mine to love. It was all so fucked up.”

Spock’s shields, fragile at best, crumbled. It was like a storm of grief. Thunder and pounding rain, torrents of water rushing down, over them, drenching them.

“I know that hurts you and I’m so sorry,” Jim whispered. “But sometimes everything that has happened to me, all the memories, all the pain, it gets to be too much, and if I had just stayed dead it would be over, and I wouldn’t have hurt you either.”

“Jim, what hurts me is not having you here. Everything else I can get through. I have survived the rest. I do not know if I can survive losing you. Not again.”

For a few moments, they merely stared at each other, drowning in each other’s gaze. Letting it consume them.

Jim closed his hand over Spock’s. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

“You left me on M156 and I had a really hard time with that.”

“I did not intend to leave you there for so long. The ship was damaged. I never thought it would be that long.”

Jim nodded. “I know. But I wouldn’t have left you at all. I would have looked for you. The prime directive be damned. And that’s part of what scares me about you. About us.”

“You believe your regard is deeper than my regard for you,” Spock guessed.

“Sometimes I do wonder.”

“It is not.” He pushed all the love he felt for Jim through the bond. “There is no one I hold in higher regard than you. You are second to no one and nothing. But, as a Vulcan I cannot just ignore my sense of duty and logic, Jim. While leaving you there, it was never my intention to make you feel abandoned or uncared for. I would not wish to harm you ever. It grieves me.”

Jim’s stare was intent, as though he searched for some answer in Spock’s eyes. Finally, he exhaled slowly. “Spock, I don’t want _anyone_ else. I never did. I know what I said. I’m an ass. I can do monogamy. For you, I can do anything.”

Spock drew him close again and held him tightly against him. “I would ask that you stop pushing me away, Ashaya. As a bonded pair we should only grow closer, not further apart.”

“You don’t find my emotions a burden?”

“No. I would have you share all with me as you are. I only ask that you accept that I cannot be the same as you and not deem it that I do not share your feelings merely because I do not express them the same way.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to leave and I don’t want us to break up.”

Spock kissed his forehead. “I am gratified.”

They were both quiet for a while but Spock knew he had to bring up another difficult subject.

“Jim?”

“Hmm.”

“I saw Dr. McCoy outside your quarters.”

Jim stiffened. “Oh.”

“Shh. You are attempting to withdraw again.” Spock’s arms tightened around him. “You are distressed. And…suicidal.”

“Only sometimes.”

“Sometimes is a lot more than I desire. There are mind healers on New Vulcan. They could perhaps help.”

“I don’t want anyone in my mind but you.”

“Will you consider it? For me?”

Jim sighed. “You know I will. For you.”

“And for yourself. I wish only to have you happy, Ashayam.”

“I love you.”

“I cherish thee.”

Spock knew not everything was perfect between them. They would need to communicate better and he did want Jim to seek out a mind healer. But he could finally breathe again without feeling like he was covered with a cloud of doom. The bond was soothed and repairing the damage their rift had done even as he held his bondmate in his arms. 


	13. Chapter 13

“Spock, you don’t need to watch me constantly.”

Jim was aware he had probably—okay definitely—freaked Spock out with his averted suicide attempt. He shouldn’t be all that surprised Spock had hovered over him constantly since he’d found Jim on the floor of his quarters. Spock had spent the night with him, just holding him. He’d awakened to Spock watching him and bringing him breakfast. And now as he shaved in the bathroom, Spock was there.

“I wish to accompany you to medbay,” Spock told him, instead of replying to what Jim had actually said.

“I wasn’t really sure I was going to medbay.”

“You are going to medbay.”

Jim sighed and finished shaving. “I’m not injured.”

“Physically you are not. For which I am grateful.”

“Well, then—”

“Jim.”

He sighed again. “Fine. But it’s not like Bones can fix me with hyposprays.”

“Perhaps not, but Dr. McCoy will want to see you are safe with his own eyes. He was quite concerned when I saw him.”

Jim couldn’t fault Spock’s logic there. Hell, he never could fault Spock’s logic. He came out of the bathroom and Spock handed him his black undershirt. As he pulled it on, all of his doubts started to return. Spock deserved someone better than him. Someone who wasn’t fucked up. Someone who—

_T’hy’la._

_Spock? You’re in my head?_

_Yes. Stop._

_Spock—_

_Stop._

Spock’s hand found his. “You are who I want. There is no other for me. There never will be. Do you understand?”

“I’m trying to,” Jim said. He squeezed Spock’s hand and took his command tunic from Spock’s other hand.

“Jim?” Spock’s voice was hesitant, reluctant, and Jim didn’t like the uncertainty there, but then again he had a feeling he wasn’t going to like whatever Spock didn’t want to say.

“Yeah?”

“When you were in the hospital, after you first woke up from…from your injuries—”

“My death, you mean.”

Spock stiffened. “I prefer not to speak of it.”

“You are speaking of it, Spock. Under whatever you want to call it, it’s still speaking of it.” Jim sighed. “What about it?”

“You said you did not wish to die. That you accepted that you would when you fixed the warp core, but that you had not wished it.”

“Did I?” Jim pulled the gold tunic over his head, mostly so he didn’t meet Spock’s gaze. He felt Spock’s irritation. And wait, that was weird.

“You did. And later, again in the hospital, you said, ‘I’m not sorry I’m alive’.”

“Quoting me now are you, Spock?” Jim met Spock’s gaze finally. “What of it?”

Spock’s eyes narrowed. “I am certain you know where this is going. You indicated otherwise last night. You admitted to me that you had wanted to die and were sorry you had been brought back to life.”

“I know what I said then, Spock. And I guess I thought it was true. Sort of. I don’t know.”

“I requested that you be completely honest with me.”

“I’m-I’m trying. Jesus, emotions are complicated. And mine especially. The point is, I wasn’t deliberately lying to you then. And I’m not lying now.”

Spock stroked his fingers across Jim’s hand. “I do not intend to distress you.”

“I know that.” He exhaled slowly, as he felt Spock pushing calm into his mind. He licked his lips. “That’s gonna take some getting used to.”

“The bond?”

“Yeah. Look, Spock, I know it’s your thing to want to fix everything—”

“Your distress affects me.”

Jim sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize, I am merely stating facts. When you are unhappy, I am unhappy.”

“That’s-that’s a lot of pressure,” Jim admitted. “Spock, you-you can’t just fix me. It’s not that simple. I’m not that simple.”

Spock relaxed his stiff stance slightly. “It is not my intention to make you believe that you need to be fixed, Jim. I cherish thee.”

Jim kissed him, because really, what else could he do? Spock was great. Too great, really. More than he deserved. But somehow he got lucky and Spock loved him.

He ended the kiss and then squeezed Spock’s shoulder. “Let’s go see Bones.”

****

“I was about to come knocking on your door,” Bones said when they walked into medbay. He stared intently at Jim. “Sit down on the biobed, Jim. I wanna examine you.”

He wanted to argue. Really. Because Bones wouldn’t find anything in a damn physical exam but Spock was there and Bones was watching him with such concern, Jim just sat down on the edge of the biobed and waited.

“You can go, Spock,” Bones said, glancing at Spock as he took out all his medical devices.

“I would prefer to stay, doctor.”

Bones stopped as he was about to scan Jim. “I would prefer privacy for the captain’s exam. I know you two are boyfriends but—”

“We are bonded.”

“You’re what?” Bones exclaimed.

“Uh, Bones—”

Spock stood rigid, his hands locked behind his back. “The captain and I are a bonded pair. I am sure you can check with Dr. M’Benga about Vulcan bonds if you require additional information.”

Bones scowled. “Listen, you hobgoblin, I know about Vulcan bonds.”

Spock arched a brow. “Then you know I have a right to be here with Jim."

“Fine,” Bones said through gritted teeth. “Jim, why didn’t you tell me you and Spock got married?”

“Technically we are not married, doctor. Not in the way of a human marriage. Jim is my T’hy’la. Our bond is revered above others. We are Telsu.”

“Blah, blah, blah. Sounds like space husbands to me.” Bones lowered his scanner. “Jim, your vitals are all over the place.”

Jim smiled. “What else is new?”

Bones sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me about this bond?”

“Well,” Jim said, glancing at Spock. “To be honest, Bones, I just found out about it myself.”

“Oh?”

“I was not aware of it until recently,” Spock said stiffly.

“Reports will need to be filed.”

“I know, Bones. But could you give us some time to get used to it ourselves first?”

“Fine.” Bones stared at him. “How do you feel?”

Jim took a moment to answer. There they were— his best friend and his…his Spock—waiting for magic words or something to fall from his lips. It both annoyed him and scared him. Just a little. He didn’t have any magic words, damn it.

“Look, I’m all right. For now. Can we just-just go on as before?”

“I’m supposed to pretend I didn’t find you with a phaser pointed to your head?” Bones demanded.

“No.” Jim bit his lip. “No. Just-I’m okay. I have you two and I’ll talk to someone. Or see a Vulcan healer.”

“A _Vulcan_ healer?”

“Is there something wrong with Vulcans, doctor?”

“Spock, I don’t—”

“Guys, please. Can you-please, just support me?”

Spock straightened, looked Vulcan affronted. “I always support you, Ashaya.” He put forth his fingers.

Jim smiled and touched them with his. “I know.”

“Well, I’ll be damned if I let Spock outdo me,” Bones said. “But you will get help, Jim. And you and Spock will have to log your bond or whatever.”

“We will, Bones.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Uhura’s voice.

Jim frowned and went to the comm on the wall of medbay. “Kirk here.”

“New orders from Starfleet, Captain.”

“I’ll be right there, Lieutenant.” Jim looked to Bones. “Okay?”

Bones nodded. “Okay.”


	14. Chapter 14

Spock knew his captain had told him not to watch him so closely, but Spock found he could not entirely help himself.

Whether Jim wanted to admit it or not, he was still emotionally compromised. That Spock had added to his distress in any way was something he could not abide. It was his duty—his right—to protect his bondmate. Not harm him.

Jim was not from a telepathic species and did not know they were bonded until Spock had told him. He could not be expected to understand the significance, especially when he was unable to remember who he was himself.

Spock’s mental health was indeed tied with Jim’s and right now Jim’s mind was damaged. It was up to Spock to help him. And in turn help himself.

Jim turned in his captain’s chair and frowned at Spock when he saw Spock looking at him. Spock surmised he should turn away in contrition, but he did not. He continued to watch his captain until Jim finally turned back to look at the viewing screen.

“What are the new orders, Lieutenant Uhura?” Jim asked.

“A mining colony on Gratus VI is under attack, Captain. They issued a distress signal nine hours ago.”

“Does it say who is attacking them?”

“Yes, sir.” Nyota glanced toward Spock, a somewhat desperate look on her face. “Uh. They said Klingons, Captain.”

Jim visibly flinched and Spock noted most of the bridge crew stiffened around their shoulders. They kept their gazes straight ahead but there was a grimness in the lines of their mouths.

Spock stood and went to stand by the captain’s chair. Jim looked up at him, his blue eyes a little sad. Spock reached down and covered Jim’s hand for a moment, letting the contact soothe his mate.

“Set a course for Gratus VI, Mr. Chekov,” Jim said. “Ahead Warp Factor four, Mr. Sulu.”

“Aye, Captain.”

****

Spock followed Jim into the turbolift. As it began to move, Spock stopped its movement.

“Captain, I can head the landing party to Gratus VI. You can stay on the bridge.”

He said it, trying to keep the note of desperation out of his tone. He also knew even as he spoke the words Jim would not listen. Spock hadn’t even needed to see the stubborn set to Jim’s jaw.

“Why would I do that, Spock?” Jim asked, his voice hard.

“It is not necessary for you to—”

“You think I am incapable?”

Spock knew he was about to tread a very fine line. In truth, he did not think Jim was capable of facing the Klingons after what had been done to him in his captivity.

“I think there is a chance that you will be emotionally compromised by facing the Klingons in battle,” Spock said calmly.

“Is that right?”

“Jim, in the state of mind you are in right now you could easily take life threatening chances.”

Jim stepped really close to Spock and stared directly into Spock’s eyes. The blueness had gone glacial cold. “You wanna relieve me of command, Mr. Spock?”

“I would prefer not to, Captain. It is my duty as first officer to point out when you are incapable of—”

“Fuck, really? We’re at this again?”

Spock straightened. “I prefer not to bring our personal relationship into command decisions, however, if required to do so I will. If you are down on Gratus VI behaving recklessly while confronting the Klingons or worse— freezing up when faced with an attack by one—it will emotionally compromise me and I will be forced to put my own life in direct peril to prevent harm to you.”

Jim inhaled sharply. He blinked several times and then turned away.

“Jim—”

Jim shook his head. “No, you’re right as usual, Commander. I’ll stay here. Out of the way.”

Spock felt a pain in his side. “That is not what I meant.”

Finally his bondmate turned back around to look at him. “Oh, that is exactly what you meant. And maybe you _are_ right. But sooner or later, Spock, I might have to face the Klingons and you can’t go around protecting me every damn time just because you’re fucking me.”

Jim leaned over and restarted the turbolift. “You go. And I want a full report as soon as you get down there. And check in every half hour. Things get too rough you beam back immediately. Is that understood, Commander?”

Spock swallowed. “Yes, Captain.”

****

“Hendorff to Enterprise.”

Jim hit the comm on his chair. “Kirk here. Where’s Spock?”

“He’s here, Captain. We’re trapped here with some civilians by the Klingons.”

“Trapped? You can’t beam out?”

“Not with all these miners and their families here, Captain. They’re sitting ducks.”

“Let me talk to Spock.”

Hendorff hesitated. “Captain, he’s unconscious.”

“What?” Jim felt the air leave his lungs.

“Commander Spock was injured, Captain. We have him stabilized.”

“Submit your coordinates to the transporter room. And standby. Kirk to Engineering.”

“Scott here.”

“Scotty, I need you to take the conn.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim rose from his chair. “Mr. Sulu, you’re with me.”

Jim took Sulu and eight security officers to Gratus VI. It was a mess. A bloody mess. Bodies everywhere, some limbs. Several building were decimated. He felt a burning rage building within at the Klingons.

“Set your phasers to kill.”

Sulu gasped beside him. “Captain?”

“Stun, sorry. Phasers to stun.” Jim told himself to get a grip.

As they moved forward toward the location of where Spock, Hendorff and the others were, Jim began to wonder if the Klingon who had raped him in body and mind would be amongst those here on Gratus VI.

_Vok_.

Jim would remember that name until he took his final breath.

_“Say my name. Say it! I want to hear it like a caress pouring from your lips.” The Klingon yanked his head back by the hair, pulling hard. “Say it, Captain.”_

_“Vok,” Jim whispered, his mind and spirit broken along with his body._

“Captain, are you all right?” Sulu’s concerned voice broke through the memories.

Jim exhaled. “Fine, Lieutenant. Fine.”

If Vok was here, Jim would kill the bastard with his bare hands. Given the chance, Jim would kill him hundreds of times. Maybe then the pain would go away.

As they approached the coordinates they drew fire from the Klingon invaders, so they had to take shelter as they made their way toward the spot where their crew was trapped.

Mindful of saving Spock and of Spock’s words about being concerned Jim wouldn’t be careful, Jim did his best to use caution rather than go in haphazardly. And he wouldn’t be much use to Spock if he got himself injured or killed.

By the time they made it to the dwelling in question, though, Jim had taken down several Klingons. None of them had been familiar.

The battle in front of the dwelling seemed to go on forever. Jim was exhausted, but he kept firing, kept trying. It was hours before they broke through, victorious, freeing the citizens of Gratus VI trapped there as well as his own crew.

Jim knelt beside Spock. He was breathing but looked very pale and was still unconscious. There was dried blood on him, too.

Hendorff knelt next to him. “We got the bleeding stopped, Captain. Why don’t you take him up to the Enterprise? We’ve got this here.”

He nodded and patted Hendorff’s shoulder. “Thanks. Good job, Lieutenant.”

“Thanks, sir.”

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Two to beam up.”

****

Spock woke to the sounds of machinery and immediately knew without coming to full consciousness yet that he was in the medbay. He also felt Jim was nearby. The bond hummed low and comforting. He relaxed and opened his eyes.

“Hey, you’re awake.”

“Jim?” Spock asked hopefully.

“Who else?” Jim’s smiling face appeared. His blue eyes sparkled.

Spock nearly sighed with relief. “You are well?”

“Completely unharmed.”

“I am gratified.”

Jim nodded and reached for Spock’s hand. He closed his fingers around Spock’s and he welcomed the warmth of Jim’s hand in his. “You were right.”

“Clarify.”

“I should have stayed on the ship. Because I had to come down to the planet to save your ass.” Jim’s grin was gleeful, triumphant.

Spock flushed. “You beamed down to Gratus VI?”

“Yep. Me and Sulu and some security officers. Between us and your original party we helped the miners of Gratus VI expel the Klingons.”

“You are pleased with yourself.”

“I sure am. It’s not often I get to rescue you. It’s often the other way around. So…yeah, I am pretty fucking pleased.” Jim leaned down and kissed him. “You need to rest more. Bones is gonna come in here and yell at me for disturbing you.”

“I would like for you to stay,” Spock admitted. “If you are able.”

Now Jim’s smile was gentle. “If that’s what you want, I’ll stay.”

“It is always what I want, Ashaya.”

“Okay, but let me get Bones. He’ll want to know you’re awake.” And Jim kissed him again.

Spock closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. 


	15. Chapter 15

Spock had been awake and working at Jim’s desk for thirty minutes when Jim woke up from a nightmare. Spock had risen from the chair and gone to the bed to hold his mate.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jim muttered, leaning his head against Spock’s shoulder.

“Your apology is unwarranted.” Spock brushed his hand over Jim’s head. He hesitated but could not stop himself. “Who is Vok?”

Jim stiffened, tried to pull away from Spock, but Spock would not allow it. Finally his captain sighed. “No one.”

“Jim.”

“He’s-he’s the Klingon who raped me,” Jim said, his voice whisper soft.

It took all his Vulcan control not to react in any way that would let Jim think the problem was with him. He would not have Jim think that.

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“It won’t change anything. It won’t make what he did go away.”

“No, it will not. I think you are very strong and brave to be able to come back as you have from that.”

Jim sighed. “I don’t feel strong. I’m supposed to be a starship captain.”

“You are a starship captain. That does not make you invincible.”

“Before I-I sort of let you think that it was just mind rape and some oral stuff,” Jim said, burying his face in Spock’s neck. “ _Just_. Like that wasn’t bad enough. But there was more. There was…penetration.”

Spock closed his eyes and pulled him closer. “I am sorry, Ashaya. I would do anything I could to have prevented that from happening to you. I would have offered myself as their prisoner. Anything.”

Jim shook a little. “I’m glad it wasn’t you. I don’t think I could handle that. It would be worse.”

“It is the same for me. I feel such rage against the one who hurt you so.”

“Me too. I wondered if he would be down there on the mining planet, you know? Part of me wanted him to be so I could kill him.”

“This I can promise you, Jim. He will never come near you again. I could not protect you from him before. I will protect you from him now.”

“I don’t need protecting, do I?”

Spock knew he had to tread lightly. “Normally, you do not. You are brave and strong and can handle anything. You are my captain, my friend, my lover, my mate. But we are partners now, Jim. A team. And it is my right as your mate to protect you from those that would harm you.”

Jim pulled back from him to gaze into Spock’s eyes. “I have that same right toward you, isn’t that correct?”

“Yes,” Spock conceded.

“Okay,” Jim said with a nod. “I gotta get a shower. I’m due on the bridge soon.”

“I will have tea and your breakfast waiting for you when you come out.”

When Jim had gone into the bathroom, Spock returned to the terminal at the desk. He started doing research on the Klingon, Vok.

****

“What are you plans at present, Captain?” Spock asked Jim as they stepped into the turbolift after their shift.

“Bones wants to see me, so I guess I’m headed there. You going to the labs?”

Since he intended to do so eventually, Spock saw no harm in confirming this. “Yes. Why does the doctor wish to see you? Is he concerned with your health?”

Jim frowned. “No, I think it’s something to do with medical supplies. Ship stuff.”

“Ah.”

“If you’re going to be busy for a while, I’ll probably have dinner with him too.”

Spock nodded. “I’ll comm you when I am finished.”

The turbolift doors opened on the floor with the medbay and Jim got off. “Okay, see you.”

When the turbolift doors closed, Spock rerouted the turbolift to the deck with the officers’ quarters.

It was not as though he enjoyed conspiring behind his bondmate’s back. He did not. But neither did he want to have to explain what he was doing to Jim. If Jim did not know to ask, then it wasn’t technically a lie.

In his own quarters, Spock contacted his father. In only a few moments, the older Vulcan appeared, his hand raised in the ta’al.

Spock reciprocated. “Father, you are looking well.”

“As are you, my son. And your bondmate? He is well?”

He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “He is well enough. But it is him that I wish to discuss.”

“He is not adapting well to the bond?”

“He is adapting admirably. It is the aftereffects of his captivity with the Klingons that trouble him.”

“And therefore you.”

“Affirmative. His mind is in turmoil.”

“Perhaps he would benefit from a mind healer. From what you have spoken of regarding this unfortunate incident, James’ mind was violated as well as his physical being.”

Spock forced himself to nod.

“This could be at least partially responsible for his mental turmoil. Does he behave erratically? Is he suicidal?”

“Yes.”

Sarek nodded. “Then I recommend bringing him to New Vulcan, Spock. Eventually his turmoil will begin to affect your mind as well because of the bond.”

“I will discuss it with him.” Spock paused. “There is another related matter I wish to discuss.”

“Very well.”

“Jim has given me the name of the Klingon responsible for his torment…Vok.”

Sarek inclined his head. “I have heard the name. He is not well liked amongst his own kind.”

“I wish to determine his fate…discreetly.”

“Ah.” Sarek was silent. “I know of a Ferengi who would be acceptable for this task.”

“A Ferengi? I have not known them to practice discretion.”

“This one is unusual. But it does come with a price.”

“As do all interactions with Ferengi.” Spock exhaled. “How do I contact him?”

****

Spock had learned from the computer as he left the labs that Jim had returned to his quarters, so rather than comm him, Spock headed there.

As had become his habit, Spock entered without first announcing his intention. Jim sat behind his desk, staring at his terminal, but he looked up when Spock entered.

Jim smiled. “There you are.”

“It did take me longer than I had anticipated. You are working?”

“I thought I may as well do some reports.”

Spock nodded and came around the desk. He dropped to his knees beside Jim and reached for his hands. “You have eaten?”

Jim shook his head. “Bones had something else to do and I wasn’t hungry at the time.”

“You need to eat, Ashayam. What do you wish? I will obtain it for you.”

“You don’t need to take care of me,” Jim protested.

“That is where you are wrong. You are my bondmate. For me, I do need this. It comforts me.”

“I don’t know how I got so lucky.” Jim pulled their clasped hands to his lips and kissed Spock’s knuckles. “But since I have you, I’m not letting go.”

Spock felt warmth blossom from their bond. “I am gratified to hear this. What do you wish to eat?”

Jim laughed. “You never give up, do you?”

“No.”

“I’ll eat, but only if you will eat with me.”

“I am agreeable. Perhaps we can share a vegetable omelet.”

“If there’s bacon on the side, you’re on.”

Spock withheld his sigh. “I will indulge you.”

Jim’s answering smile caused the warmth in Spock to flare again and he decided allowing Jim bacon was a small price to pay.  



	16. Chapter 16

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim frowned and hit the comm button next to the terminal in his quarters. “Kirk here.”

“Admiral Archer for you, Captain,” Lieutenant Uhura said.

“Put him through. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Archer appeared on Jim’s terminal. “Jim, how are you?”

“I’m fine, sir. And yourself?”

“Okay. Listen, Jim, I have some information about those Klingons who took you prisoner.”

He felt his chest constrict. “Sir?”

“I wanted to convey that information personally. Their Commander—”

“Kang,” Jim said softly.

Archer nodded. “That’s right. He’s been killed.”

Jim frowned. “The Klingons, sir?”

“Doesn’t appear to be. Our information was it was a rather random act while he was in a bar on Risa. A fight broke out and Kang was a casualty.”

“What was a Klingon doing on Risa, sir?”

The admiral shrugged. “Don’t know.”

“Do you know who the fight was with, Admiral?”

“It was a multiple participant act from what I understand, but rumor was it was started by a Ferengi.”

“That doesn’t seem likely. Unless someone owed the Ferengi money.”

“Agreed.” Archer folded his arms in front of him. “Anyway, I wanted to give you the news personally, Jim.”

“Thank you, sir. I do appreciate the information. Is there anything else?”

“No, that was it. Carry on, Captain.”

“Aye, sir.”

And Archer disappeared from his terminal.

Jim tapped his fingers on his lips and thought about the news Archer had given him. He supposed it wasn’t that unusual that a Klingon even the Klingons themselves barely acknowledged ended up dead.

Shaking his head, he turned to his terminal to get back to the report he was working on. But after a few minutes he realized he wasn’t concentrating on it at all. With a frown, he typed in the name Vok.

He found a Klingon report but he couldn’t read it, so he hit the translation button.

_Vok was gunned down during a financial dispute with a member of the Ferengi race. The Ferengi has so far eluded capture._

One Klingon killed by a Ferengi could be dismissed, but two? Both Kang and Vok? Not that Jim was complaining. They could both rot in everlasting hell. Or the Klingon equivalent anyway.

There was a chime at his door. He pressed the comm. “Yeah?”

“Jim, it’s me,” Bones declared.

He opened the door and Bones came in. Jim was mildly surprised he wasn’t holding a bottle of bourbon.

“Hey, Bones, what’s up?”

“You busy?”

“Not really. Nothing that can’t wait.” He stood from behind his desk and went to the replicator. “What can I get you?”

“Coffee would be good.” McCoy took a seat on the couch. “Where’s your hobgoblin?”

Jim shrugged. “Doing Sciencey things. I tend to stop listening when he starts talking about his experiments.” He handed coffee to Bones and sat down with tea for himself. “That sounds like I’m a bad husband, doesn’t it?”

“It’s not required of couples to share every interest. Some might be good, but not all.”

“Spoken like a man of experience.”

“Hell, yeah. The wife and me—ex-wife—had nothing in common except extreme physical attraction. In the beginning. Even that fades after a while.” Bones sipped his coffee.

Jim frowned. “Does it?”

“Are you saying it hasn’t for you and Spock?”

“Not really, no. I think Spock’s as hot as I did the first day I saw the bastard at my Academy hearing.” He smiled. “I wanted him to fuck me then and I still want him to fuck me. Honestly if he was here right now that’s probably what we would be doing.”

Bones snorted. “I hope you would at least wait for me to run like hell out of here.”

“Of course.”

“Okay, so you two haven’t been a couple that long so I suppose it’s too soon for the fire to cool. But it does, Jim. For everyone. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. With the loss of that fire comes a deeper love I think. But when all you had was that fire…well you end up like me.”

“That sucks, Bones.”

“A little.” Bones smiled. “You looked pretty serious when I first came in. What’s going on, Jim?”

“Just.” Jim bit his lip. “Bones, have you ever known the Ferengi to be particularly violent or easy to piss off?”

His friend frowned. “I can’t say I’ve given that much thought to them, but no, not really. Why?”

“Archer contacted me a few minutes ago.”

“Oh? New mission?”

Jim shook his head. ”No. To tell me the Klingon, Kang, had been killed on Risa in a bar fight with a Ferengi.” 

“Good riddance.”

“Definitely.” Jim bit his lip but said nothing further. He was surprised when Bones suddenly reached over and patted his kneed.

“Jim, this isn’t just a social call.”

“No?”

“Not long ago I found you with a phaser held to your head.” Bones sighed. “Some of it’s my fault.”

“Your fault? How?”

“When you came back from those damn Klingons I didn’t really detect any signs of sexual assault. And you didn’t seem to want to talk about it so I didn’t push you.” Bones stared into his coffee. “I know some of what’s going on with you stems from your problems with Spock and losing your memory and the time you spent with Miramanee. But that’s not all of it and I think we both know it.”

“Bones—”

“Jim, Spock told me you’d been raped.”

Jim closed his eyes. “He had no right.”

“Yes, he did and you know it. No one cares more about your welfare than Spock. I’m glad he told me because you didn’t. I just don’t know why I missed it and why I didn’t push it.”

“You missed it because he repaired whatever damage he did to me after every time,” Jim said softly, wincing. He didn’t look at Bones. “Each time, he’d have their medics fix me so that he could do it all fresh all over again.”

The hand on his knee squeezed.

“I didn’t want you to know, Bones. I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s hard to be a victim.”

“You aren’t a victim. Or certainly not just a victim. You’re the bravest, strongest, kindest man I’ve ever known. This is eating at you, Jim. And eating at Spock, too.”

“Spock?”

“Everything that happens to you happens to him. He can’t separate your pain from his.”

Jim blew out a breath. “The bond you mean.”

“That too. But no, I meant Spock. He’s crazy in love with you, Jim.”

He smiled a little. “Yeah, I’m lucky. Of all the fucked up things in my life, it’s like Spock is a gift.”

“Definitely.”

“I think you actually like Spock, Bones.”

Bones grimaced. “What if I do? Don’t be so smart, kid.”

Jim laughed. “I don’t know what I’d do without either of you.”

“You won’t ever have to know that. We’re always gonna be here, Jim.”

“Speaking of the Klingons, after I got off with Archer I looked up Vok. The one who raped me.”

“And?”

“Bones, he was gunned down by a Ferengi. Coincidence?”

“That’s one hell of a coincidence.”

“That’s what I think. Too much of one I think. Don’t you?”

“Well, I don’t think you’ll ever know, Jim.”

“Maybe. But maybe I do.”

“Hmm?”

“Spock.”

Bones frowned. “Spock? You think Spock is having the Ferengi kill off your enemies?”

“Sounds crazy, maybe.” Jim shrugged. Then met his friend’s gaze. “But who else?”

“Damn. You think?” Bones sipped from his coffee. “Gonna ask him?”

Jim shook his head. “No.” Then he smiled. “Thanks, Bones. I love you, you know.”

“I love you, too, kid. But if anyone asks, I never said that.”

Jim laughed. “Right back at you.”


	17. Chapter 17

“Dr. McCoy was here?” Spock asked shortly after he arrived at the captain’s quarters. Jim had recently begun to call it _their_ quarters but Spock hadn’t quite reached that point. Not that he intended to sleep alone in his own quarters. Or stay anywhere that was away from where Jim was.

“Yeah, he came by for a visit,” Jim said, rising from behind his desk. He came around it and leaned into Spock to give him a kiss on the lips. “How’d your science project go?”

“It was satisfactory.”

“Do you want some tea?”

“Yes, that would be pleasant.” Spock went to sit on the couch while Jim fetched him a cup of tea from the replicator. He preferred to brew his own tea but this would do when they did not wish to take the time.

Jim returned with his tea and set it on the table and then to Spock’s surprise, Jim placed himself in Spock’s lap, looping his arms around Spock’s neck.

Spock blinked. “There is room on the couch for you to sit.”

“I know.” Jim clung to him and laid his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“Would it not be more comfortable for both of us if you were to sit next to me?”

Jim nodded. “Probably.”

“Then why—”

“Spock, sweetheart, I just really want to be close to you right now.”

“I see.”

Jim stiffened a little. “Is that a problem?”

Spock wrapped his arm around his bondmate and pulled him closer. “No, it is not.”

“Good.” Jim sighed. “You know I love you, right?”

Spock closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of Jim’s hair. At times like this he remembered how fortunate he was that Jim had been revived after death. They’d been given another chance to get it right…Spock had been given that chance.

“I do,” Spock said. “And I return that love tenfold.”

“I know,” Jim whispered against him. “I think you’re the most awesome husband in the whole fucking universe.”

Spock was surprised by Jim’s words but not displeased. “You were not drinking with Dr. McCoy, were you?”

Jim laughed. “I had tea. He had coffee.”

Spock smoothed his hand over Jim’s biceps. “Your emotions are in turmoil. Was his visit unwelcome?”

“No. Some of the subject matter was kinda hard.” Jim moved his hand so that it was laid across Spock’s hand. Spock felt a pleasant warmth spread throughout him. “Hey, Spock?”

“Yes, Ashaya?”

“You still really want me, don’t you?”

Spock was puzzled by the uncertainty in Jim’s voice. “You refer to the desire for sexual congress?”

“Yeah.” Jim scooted impossibly closer and threaded his fingers with Spock’s.

Spock leaned down to place a kiss on the top of Jim’s head. “Very much so.” He could feel Jim’s relief. “Why did you believe otherwise?”

Jim shrugged. “Just, you know, Bones said that passion and desire don’t last.”

“I suppose that may be true for some couples. I do not believe that is true for us. Not now or in the future.”

Jim kissed Spock’s throat. “I think the same.”

“I am glad we got that clarified.”

“Me, too.” Jim sighed against Spock’s throat but it was a contented sigh. “I just want you to know I really know how lucky I am.”

“Lucky?”

“So many things in this universe are fucked up, you know? It’s not like the other universe at all. I’m not saying it was perfect or anything, but at least in that universe I knew my dad and Vulcan didn’t get destroyed.”

“And where does your good fortune come into this?” Spock wondered.

“You.” Jim snuggled into him, trying to bury himself in Spock it seemed. “You love me and honestly there is nothing better than that, Spock. I’ve fucked up plenty of times and you’re still here.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I will always be here.”

“And that’s why I’m lucky.”

Spock opened his eyes to gaze at Jim. “You are mistaken.”

Jim smiled quizzically. “Oh?”

“Luck implies you do not deserve your good fortune, that it is randomly given to you. Therefore, the implication is that you do not deserve positive rewards in your life.”

“Spock—”

“You deserve it, Jim. You deserve all the beneficial things that come your way and yet more.”

Spock cupped Jim’s jaw and tilted Jim’s head back so that he could reach his bondmate’s lips with his own. Jim’s tongue came out instantly, slipping inside Spock’s mouth as their mouths met.

He felt lust spring to life between them, deep and potent, as Spock’s pulse increased. He inched his other hand under the hem of Jim’s shirts, spreading his fingers over the naked, warm skin there.

“Spock,” Jim gasped against Spock’s mouth.

“How can you doubt my desire for you,” Spock murmured, trailing his lips down Jim’s throat. “It heats my blood until I burn for you.”

Jim pulled away slightly, his blue gaze meeting Spock’s dark one, his smile was sexy and sinful. “Show me.”

Spock kissed him again, slow and sure with just a bit of teeth nipping Jim’s bottom lip. “Here on the sofa or do you desire to move to the bed?”

“Probably the bed. I don’t want to have to clean the sofa or explain to my yeoman why she has to,” Jim said with a wink.

Jim rose from Spock’s lap and even though it had not been exactly comfortable Spock missed the contact between them and almost drew Jim back to him. He watched appreciatively as Jim made haste with the removal of his clothes.

Jim quirked a brow in a somewhat decent imitation of Spock himself. “Don’t you think you ought to get rid of your own clothes instead of ogling me?”

“You are pleasing to watch,” Spock admitted, though he did concede to remove his boots as that would not hinder his view of Jim.

“Oh yeah? Well watch this.” Jim, now completely nude, crawled onto the bed, his rounded cheeks displayed for Spock’s hungry gaze. Jim looked over his shoulder. “You aren’t naked yet?”

Spock removed the rest of his clothes likely in record time, though he didn’t care to stop and analyze it, and pounced on his mate on the bed.

****

Spock remained awake even an hour after they’d finished making love. Jim slept beside him and Spock had wrapped his arms around his sleeping mate. He loved to hold Jim like this while he slept. Spock felt contentment with all their skin contact. And the feel of Jim’s breaths reminded Spock that his bondmate was alive and safe with him.

He had received notification through his father that the Klingons who had hurt Jim were dead. The two most responsible anyway. Spock wished for every last one of them to die, but logically he knew most of them were merely following orders of their superiors. Revenge itself was not logical, Spock acknowledged that, but he’d learned long ago that logic had little to do with his regard for Jim. And assuring the destruction of Kang and Vok to ensure they could never harm Jim again was certainly logical.

Spock breathed in deeply. He could not help but be gratified that Jim was his mate. He still desired to formalize their bond in a ceremony on New Vulcan and perhaps they could have Jim see a mind healer while they were there. But it was Spock who felt perhaps he was the fortunate one. Jim did not love and trust easily. Yet he gave both to Spock.

And it was up to Spock to see that his mate was safe and content. Which was why he had decided he needed to know why two different Orions had sought to attack his captain. Jim might have pushed the occurrences to the back of his mind but Spock had not

Jim stirred a little in his arms, crying out just a bit. Spock laid his hand on the crown of Jim’s head and projected love and security through their bond and Jim settled down with a sigh in his sleep and snuggled deeper into Spock’s arms.      


	18. Chapter 18

_Jim felt the whisper of inquiry in his mind as he handed back the signed PADD to the yeoman who’d had him review a report. He swung his captain’s chair around to give a sideways glance to his first officer, but Spock was not looking at him._

_“Spock?”_

_The chair at the science station swung around to reveal the Klingon, Kang, instead of Spock. Kang grinned. “Captain?”_

_Jim stared at the Klingon. “Where-where is Spock?”_

_“I killed him,” Kang replied._

_Jim screamed._

_“Jim! Jim! Wake up!”_

_His whole body began to shake and Kang stood up, coming toward him, wielding a huge Klingon blade._

_Gasping for breath, Jim scrambled up from the captain’s chair, backing up. Someone ran past him, shoving Jim out of the way as they did and placed themselves between Jim and Kang._

_“No!” Jim shouted._

_But it was too late. Kang beheaded Bones, his head making a sickening thud as it hit the bridge._

He sat up fast, gulping great big gulps of air. His hands gripped the biceps holding on to him. “No, no.”

“Jim!” Spock’s voice. Spock holding him. Alive.

Jim’s eyelids flew open and he felt Spock’s grip on him tighten. “Fuck. Fuck.”

“Ashaya,” Spock whispered, pulling him impossibly closer.

But Jim abruptly shoved him away and then winced when he saw the hurt in Spock’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said, scooting to the edge of the bed. “It was Kang.”

“He is dead, ashaya. He can no longer hurt you.”

“He said he killed you and then Bones…” Jim rubbed his hand over his face. “I can’t.”

“He is dead,” Spock repeated. “I am here. Dr. McCoy is fine.”

“God, why can’t I just fucking get over this?” Jim asked, feeling anger burn him.

“It is not that easy.”

Jim nodded. “I’m just so fucking angry. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless, weak.”

“It was not your fault.”

“I should have been able to stop him. Should have been able to kill him.” Jim clenched his fists. “I’m not a fucking weakling.”

“No.”

Jim turned to stare at Spock and all he could feel was rage. The need for control. The need for power. He ground his teeth together and then rose from the bed.

“Take your sleeping robe off,” he ordered.

Spock’s eyes widened. “Jim?”

“Take your fucking robe off. Now.” Jim advanced on Spock. “Or I will tear it off myself.”

Spock sat up and removed his robe as Jim ordered. And Jim attacked, knocking him back to lay flat on the bed as he crushed his mouth over Spock’s, teeth clashing, biting.

Jim threaded his fingers through Spock’s hair and pulled hard. “Turn over.”

Spock obeyed without question and Jim reached for the lube they kept near their bed. He shoved his fingers into Spock and then himself.

He rode Spock hard and fast and didn’t even try to be gentle, even though he was aware Spock didn’t have a lot experience with being taken. When he was done, he pulled away, ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” Jim mumbled and then unable to even look at Spock, he went to the bathroom.

He got in the shower and turned on the water to hot, letting the water scald him, but it didn’t rid him of the shame. How could he treat Spock like that? How?

Jim dropped to the floor, letting the tears of shame and humiliation fall down his cheeks.

The door of the shower opened and Spock stepped inside. He turned the water temperature down.

Jim stared up at him, his gaze clouded by tears. “Do you hate me?”

“Never, Jim.”

“You should. God, I’m sorry.”

Spock reached down, pulled Jim to his feet and wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist. “For what? Having sex with your mate?”

Jim shook his head and buried his face in Spock’s shoulder. “Did I hurt you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“A little burn, nothing serious. Ashayam, it is all right. I would rather you share your pain with me than anyone else.”

“You’re the last person I should hurt.” Jim kissed his shoulder. “I just hate it so much.”

“I know. I hate it as well.”

“Love you.”

“I cherish thee.”

Jim closed his eyes and let Spock hold him as the water washed over both of them.


	19. Chapter 19

“Jim, you need to get out of the way. Now,” Bones barked. “Uhura, get him out of here.”

Jim felt Uhura grabbing his arms and pulling him away from Spock as Bones and the medbay team wheeled Spock out on a gurney.

“Captain! Captain!” Uhura shook him but he just stared at the closed doors of the transporter room where Spock had just gone. She got up in his face. “Jim!”

He felt his knees buckle under him as he dropped to the floor, banging his knees hard as he went down. Uhura knelt beside him, shaking him.

“Come on, you have to snap out of it. You’re in shock!”

He could tell she was yelling but it was muted, distant. He felt lightheaded, dizzy. He reached for her hand and everything went black.

****

Jim woke to the sound of instruments and then the sight of a nurse standing over him. Chapel.

“Christine?” he whispered hoarsely.

“Captain,” she said with a wide smile. “You’re awake.”

“What happened?”

“You were in shock. Had something of an attack. You’ve been out for a few hours.”

Jim struggled into a sitting position. “Spock?”

Her smile faded. “Still in surgery.”

“Fuck.”

Jim swung his legs to the floor and stood.

“Wait, maybe you should stay there.”

He shook his head. “No way. An Orion assassin attacked me and Spock stepped in front of me. Giotto got the bastard though and I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”

“But Dr. McCoy—”

“Keep me posted, Christine.” Jim left the medbay, swaying just a bit. He headed to the nearest comm on the wall. “Kirk to Giotto.”

“Giotto here, Captain.”

“You got our prisoner?”

“Down here in the brig, sir.”

“I’ll be right there.”

He made his way down to the brig and then the glass cell where the male Orion had been placed. The big muscular bald Orion just glared at him.

“Why did you try to kill me?”

The Orion turned away.

“We will get our answers,” Jim said.

“You think?” the Orion said mockingly.

“It’s not related to the Federation. It’s personal, isn’t it?”

The Orion’s jaw tightened. “You-you have dishonored my wife.”

“Your wife? What are you talking about?”

“As if you didn’t know! On Risa.”

Jim frowned. “Risa? I don’t remember running into any Orions on Risa.”

He stood and came to the glass to glare at Jim. “She was not Orion. My wife was Andorian. You had sex with her and she carried your child.”

Jim heard a gasp from a nearby ensign but he ignored it. “An Andorian?”

He remembered an Andorian on Risa several years ago. He had engaged in sex with her. But—

“That was a long time ago,” Jim said.

”For a long time she would not reveal the name of the human who had given her a child. But as she lay dying of a fever she finally revealed it to me.”

“Then you sent the assassins?”

“They were worthless. I finally knew I had to do the deed myself.” He stared hard at Jim. “But instead I have taken your mate from you as you did to me.”

Jim shook his head. “I-I didn’t. I didn’t even know she was married.”

“Bah, it does not matter. You will suffer as you made me suffer.”

“And the child?” Jim asked.

“The child is dead. He could not be allowed to live.”

Jim turned away from the prisoner, uncertain how he should be feeling, and looked at Giotto. “Make sure he’s transported to the nearest starbase as soon as possible.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim rushed back to the medbay, anxious to learn about Spock’s condition. Spock had taken a direct hit but fortunately it had been where Jim’s heart would have been and not Spock’s. The Orion could not be right. He wouldn’t lose Spock.

Bones was coming out of the surgery room just as Jim came in. He frowned at Jim. “What the hell are you doing up?”

“I’ve got no time for biobeds, Bones. Spock?”

“I don’t know, Jim. He’s lost a lot of blood. He’s stable right now but very weak.”

Jim grasped his friend’s arms. “You’ve got to save him.”

“I’m doing my best, Jim.”

Jim shook him. “That might not be good enough. I can’t make it without him, Bones. What the hell will I do?”

“First of all, no one said he’s gonna die. Second of all, if he does, you will make it, Jim. Spock didn’t jump in front of that Orion blade so you would give up.” Bones glared at him. “Now let go of me and get in that biobed where you belong.”

Jim bit his lip. “I need to see him. Please.”

“Oh don’t turn those pleading baby blues on me, James Kirk.” Bones took his arm. “Come with me.”

Bones let him back into the surgery area where Spock lay pale and unconscious. M’Benga gave Jim a sympathetic look and then moved away when Jim went to Spock’s side.

“Can I have a moment alone?”

“One minute, Jim. And then you are going back to the biobed. I haven’t even examined you yet.” Bones scowled.

The two doctors left him alone with Spock.

Jim reached for Spock’s hand and let their bond come to life. He’d never done this before. Had no real clue if it would work exactly with Spock’s mind being out like this.

_Spock, I don’t know if you can hear me, but this is my fault. Again. I did something stupid a long time ago and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass. No surprise there._

_But in spite of how fucked up I am you love me. That’s so amazing. You always love me. Unconditionally. And hell I don’t know if I deserve it but I fucking love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Please. I need you. And I guess Bones is right. I’d make it for you, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to. So if you can hear me in there, you have to do your healing thing. Okay? Please?_

“Okay, Jim.” Bones touched his shoulder.

Jim released Spock’s hand and let Bones lead him out of the room and over to the biobed.

****

When he opened his eyes— and wait when did he go to sleep—damn Bones must have put him out—he turned his head to see Spock laying in the biobed next to him. Jim watched him for a while, breathing, his color pretty decent. His gaze went to the instruments above the bed.

“They’ve returned to normal,” Christine said, coming to his side and smiling. She ran a scanner over him.

“You know I’m fine. I’ve always been fine.”

“And you know Leonard watches you like a hawk. You may as well accept it, Captain.”

He rolled his eyes. “Can I get up and go see him?”

She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I’m sure he’d like that.”

Jim blinked. “Did he wake up?”

“Sure did. Fed him Plomeek soup. He’s been asking for you but Leonard sedated you.”

“I swear I’ll get even.” Jim stood and went to Spock’s side. He brushed his fingers over Spock’s forehead and suddenly a pair of deep brown Vulcan eyes were staring at him. Jim smiled. “Hey.”

“Jim, I—”

“I know you’re gratified I’m alive. I’m gratified you’re alive. So fucking gratified.”

Spock smiled a little. It warmed Jim’s heart like nothing else could.

“God, I’m so happy to see you.”

“I find the sight of you particularly pleasing as well.”

Jim kissed him. How could he not? “Thank you.”

“For?”

Jim laughed. “Are you kidding? For everything. For falling in love with me, for telling me you did, for loving me, for putting up with me, for being bonded with me, for saving me. Just…everything, Spock.”

“Then it would seem I owe you a debt of gratitude for the same.”

“And thank you for being alive. Most of all. Thank you.” Jim kissed him again.

Spock caressed his cheek when they came up for air. “The doctor told me about the Orion.”

“Yeah. I fucked up.”

“You did not _fuck up_. You lived your life and sometimes there are consequences. For anyone.”

Jim grinned. “I want to hear that again.”

“What, ashaya?”

“You say fuck up. Or hell…just fuck. I love when you talk dirty.”

“You are incorrigible.”

“I know.” Jim got serious. “I love you so damn much, Spock. It scares me sometimes.”

“You have nothing to fear, Jim. I am here and will be always.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

****

The small boy with golden blond hair and blue eyes gazed into the mirror. The antennae twittered on the top of his head.

“What are you doing, Endilev?” The Andorian woman with long white hair asked him as she came to sit next to him in the bedroom.

“Why is my skin white rather than blue like most other Andorians, Shelerib? Am I Aenar?”

“No, you are not. It is because you are only half Andorian. You are also half human.”

“Human,” he repeated.

“Yes, your father was human.”

“What was my father’s name?”

“The only name your mother told us was…Jim.”

Endilev frowned at his reflection. “Jim. An odd name.”

She nodded. “Come, it is time for your lessons.” She held out her hand and he took it following her out of the room.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay and that's a wrap on Unconditional. As most of you know I started their story in Unrequited and continued it here. They've been through a ton together and I thought it was time to give them some peace. As you can tell by this ending I have left it open for the possibility of a third fiction. We shall see. I love the idea of a little half human half Andorian boy.


End file.
